Mother's Day

I have two mothers. Or I should say I have a mother and a mom. My mother is the woman
that gave birth to me and then chose a man over me and my brother. My mom is my
grandmother who took me in and raised me from the time I was four. They are both lost
to me. My mother because it was her choice and my mom because dementia has taken
her from me. I feel the loss the most on this day that celebrates mothers.

My mom is a wonderful person but I so seldom see the woman I have known in the
woman she now is. So strong, so fierce, now fragile and weak. Her iron will has left
her, leaving a shell of the person she was. Her speech was stolen by her stroke, leaving
her to babble nonsense words. We can make out maybe one in five. I miss the strangest
things. I miss the love she had for her roses that lined our split rail fence in the front yard.
I was the one that mowed the yard. I used to hate having to make sure they were all
fixed so I didn't accidentally mow over a branch. Those flowers were her pride and joy.
Heaven help you if anything happened to them. But I would love to hear her yelling at
me about them now. Or to see her face as she tended to them. I miss her fried chicken
and banana pudding. I even miss her going into a huge craft store and staying for hours.
I miss her laugh, her talking endlessly on the phone, sharing a bed with her and falling
asleep to the TV. So many little things and they are mostly gone now. But I still have
her here where I can go and see her. I can still put my arms around her and tell her that
I love her so very much. I give her my smiles and love, never showing her the tears or
pain. Just as she has always done for me.

My mother.What to say about her? She is a vague memory of a scared and trapped
woman. A woman so sure she could never find another person to love her that she
stayed with my stepfather. He beat her and broke her spirit, binding her to him with
violence and lies. I have forgiven them both but I can never fully understand. I do
understand her somewhat because he branded my soul with the same lies and
pain he showed her. When you are told you are nothing, worthless, useless and a
mistake enough times, you start to believe it. It worms its way into your heart and soul.
Years later, I still wake up sometimes with his voice in my mind. You can never fully
fix pain like that. It is written on your heart and woven through your soul. She still
deals with that every day. Knowing the effect it had on me, I can't hate her. I pity her.
And knowing that she does not have her children to turn to, I weep for her. She is
bound in unbreakable chains that she sent me and my brother far away from. In my
heart, I hope she sent us away to save us. But I don't know where she is now to try to
save her. I doubt she would go if I tried. But I would like to see her face again but there
are things that cannot be. She wishes to be lost to me and I shall honor that wish.

By now, I thought I would be a mother. When I was younger I could see my children
so clearly. Three of them, two boys and a girl. Twins run in the family but skipped
my mother's generation so I just knew I would be the one to have twins. The oldest
twin a little boy with brown hair like me. The younger twin a little girl with the red hair
I had always wanted.And the youngest a little boy with golden blond hair. But now
that dream is fading. At 37, my chance at having children is quickly vanishing. I look
at my cousin's three beautiful and wonderful children and I wish I could be her. Her
oldest son just turned 16.  Seems like it was just yesterday that he was born. With
each year I feel I will never getting to hold my own children in my arms. I will never
look into their trusting eyes and know I am the center of their world. Never hear
their first words, watch their first steps, send them off to school, watch them leave
me behind. I will also never change dirty diapers, lose days of sleep, worry constantly
about them, hear them tell me no or have them break my heart in any of a hundred
different ways. I guess it just isn't meant to be for me and this is the day I feel it
the most. Any other time, I can deal with it. But not today. Today is the day I want
to take my children to see their grandma. And to be able to see the mom I have always
known smile at me. But that is not to be. So please forgive me if I cry today. I'll be
fine tomorrow.

So be good to your moms and mothers today. Show them how much you love them.
And enjoy this day all you moms. You don't get enough credit for all you do.