My Dear Friends or How I Survive This Life

This is dedicated to my dear friends. I love you all. I wouldn't get through each day without
you. I hope you know who you all are. If you don't, then I'll just have to try harder to make
sure you know. I love you and thank you for all you do. Thanks for always being there.



Life is not fair. Never was, never will be. Some people get all they want, others get nothing.
There is no rhyme or reason to life. Things can going fine and suddenly everything gets taken
from you. There will always be someone that doesn't like you. They will do anything to make
your life miserable. Then you have the people you just can't please. Nothing you do will ever
be good enough for them. You could cure every illness on earth, end hunger and homelessness
and bring about world peace. Still won't make them happy. That's just the normal everyday
stuff you deal with in life. There is so much more you will have to deal with.

People you love will die. Nothing you can do about it. It will break your heart and leave a huge
hole in your life that only they can fill. Time will ease the pain but it never fully goes away. You
just can't replace people. Things can be replaced, but people are special and each one is special.
You will also lose friends. You may just drift apart. Or worse, they hurt and betray you. And that
is a special pain that hurts like nothing else. You will be tempted to put up walls or turn away from
others. But you can't. When you do that, you miss out on meeting wonderful people. Don't let a
few idiots block you from joy. Friends make this life bearable. They make us laugh, dry our tears
and pick us up when we fall. Or they drag us kicking and screaming from the bed back into the
world. They share our joy and our pain as we share theirs. A handful of good friends is the greatest
treasure a person can have. They sit up with you until three in the morning when your heart has
been broken. They challenge you to become better and try new things. They make you see
yourself the way they see you, not as you see yourself. They call you on your hang-ups and hold
you firmly when all you want to do is shut down or run. Friends make your life worth living. They
are the laughter in the middle of the pain, the safe harbor in the storm, the kind word when all you
hear are insults and lies. They are the warm hugs and shoulder to lean on. And they are the slap
across your face or the kick in the ass you need when you don't know you need it.

We all come to bad patches in our lives. Those times when everything seems to be going wrong.
When you don't know if you will make it to tomorrow of if you even want to. There are times
when we just are not strong enough to bear it alone. We will try but the load will be too much.
And we will do our best to hide it from everyone. But its is so good to have friends that just know
you well enough to know something is wrong. They know your "I'm fine" means "I need someone
right now". They can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice or tell it in the way you type. Because
true friends don't even have to see you to know something is wrong. They just know. When they
are not around you feel that loss deeply. So hold those friends close and never let them doubt that
you care for them. Fight to keep them in your life. Because without them, life is empty.

My Thoughts

Fill my heart with compassion,
     a love that sees needs unspoken.
Fill my soul with wisdom,
    a knowledge that understands secret hurts.

Allow me to know humbleness,
     to live without selfish pride.
Allow me to see beyond myself
     to reach out a hand to others.

Let me see with my heart,
     not just my eyes.
Let me love without conditions,
     allowing others to shine and soar.

The Sage's Letter

Thieves steal into my thoughts
Reaching into my mind to plunder
Not knowing the emotions I feel,
Not caring or understanding the harm they do.

Things better left unsaid
Are tossed around like treasure,
Nuggets of truth and wisdom.
Do they not understand that it
Is merely fool's gold that they admire?

The true wisdom is left ignored
As they tear my thoughts apart.
They trespass in my brain,
Not knowing the way to the inner vault
Where all my wisdom and truth lies.

They think I am a sage
That every word I speak is wisdom.
Do they not know that I am a mere mortal?
I know no more wisdom than they do.

I am tired and my bones ache
With the burden of truth.
I did not ask to be the bearer of light,
In truth, I have fought against it.

Let the seek elsewhere
For my truth has run out.
The sage chooses to leave this empty temple.

Me

You sit beside me
     and do not know me.
Few people are allowed glimpses
     behind the mask I wear for the world.

Pain made me put up walls,
     choosing my friends carefully.
There is a door in the wall
     through only a few may pass.

I have many sides to me
     and most are never seen by others.
Child and adult,
     teacher and student.
Dignified and goofy,
     sage and comedian.

There are many more
     sides to my soul.
And they appear in different levels
     at different degrees of intensity.

My soul has chosen its companions
     and then shut the door.
Few are trusted with my secret selves
     and so it shall remain.

If and Should Have Beens- Chapter 14

***Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the Merlin characters. I am merely borrowing
      them. This story is for entertainment purposes only, not for profit***


     "But Father,why are you being so stubborn about this?" Aurora exclaimed. "So Merlin
is a servant. That doesn't change the man he is. He is kind,caring, funny and lovable. He has
a noble heart and a brave soul. And Grace loves him. You should know that you can't
control who your heart falls in love with. You married beneath you. King Arthur fell in love
with a maid. Are you telling me its alright to fall in love with someone below your station as
long as you are a man. But not if you are a woman. Because that is what it seems like you are
telling me. And that is just wrong."
     "Aurora, that is not what I am saying," answered King Thomas as he rubbed his forehead.
"I am saying that Arthur may not accept the idea of his personal servant falling in love with a
princess. Just because he fell in love with his Gwen doesn't mean he is ready to let everyone
marry whoever they wish. From what I hear he generally follows tradition. And letting his
servant marry a princess is not following tradition. I would be happy to welcome Merlin
into our family. He seems like a good man. I am not the one you need to convince."
     "And you accept the other matches?" Aurora questioned. "You are fine with me and
Gwaine. And with Charlotte and Percival? No objections? No problems? Even if we all
go to live in Camelot?"
     "Of course I don't," King Thomas chuckled. "You know I like Gwaine and was sorry
to see him leave the first time he was here. And Percival is a good knight and fine man.
Even if he is quiet and a bit taller than Charlotte. As long as the care for each other, they
will work that out. And it may be lonely without you here but you can always visit. I could
use some quiet around here anyway. Raising three girl makes for a noisy castle."
     "Father!" Aurora exclaimed. "We are not the reason this castle is noisy and you know
it! You'll miss us with only William and your knights for company. I cannot believe you!"
     "Peace, daughter," King Thomas laughed. "I was teasing you. I will miss that fire in
you. I have just rediscovered my lovely daughter to lose her. I hope Gwaine know the
handful he is getting in you. And the loyal, loving woman. He better treat you right."
      "He does and he will, "Aurora answered as she took her father's hand and smiled at
him. "And I know how lucky I am to have won his heart. That we were given a second
chance at love. We were not ready before. We both had to grow and become the people
we are now. He is my perfect match. Just as Percival is for Charlotte and Merlin for Grace.
All of your daughters will be happy. How many kings can say that?"
     "Not many, "King Thomas said with a smile. "All I want is for you and your sisters to be
happy. You could marry a peddler and I wouldn't object as long as he made you happy.
If Arthur agrees to the matches, I will be a very happy man indeed. I hope you can convince
him, my dear daughter. That will be your true challenge I fear. Now sit and keep your old
father company while I still have you here."
     Aurora smiled and moved to sit on the arm of his chair. She kissed his cheek and laid
her head briefly on his shoulder. It hit her in that moment that soon she would leave the
only home she had ever known. Sadness filled her but it was chased away by the knowledge
that her place would be with Gwaine. Her home was where he was. A smile came to her
lips as she listened to her father. She would miss him but they would visit often. Her new
life called to her. She smiled and turned her attention to her father with visions of life with
Gwaine dancing in her head. Soon, if Arthur didn't object to Merlin marrying Grace. She
sent a prayer to heaven that he would see reason. Then she turned her full attention to her
father.

Masks and Walls

      Warning: This  is not one of my happy stories. Proceed with caution. Dark and
depressing.


       I hold my mask before my true face, never letting others see me. My walls are tall and
strong, built to withstand the hardest assault. Life has taught me to be wary and always on
guard. If I let the mask slip or let someone past the walls, they will hurt me. Trust no one
and never show a weakness. They will use your weaknesses against you to cause you pain.
Hide the hurt, hide your true self far away. Be charming, sweet, funny, cute. Be what they
want you to be, not who you are. Be everything for everyone, pay no mind to your own
feelings and wants. Depend on no one for anything. You take care of you, never ask anyone
for anything. Never expect good things to happen to you. Then you won't be disappointed.

     Sound jaded to you? Sound bitter or cold? Maybe so. But this life has shown me no
kindness, only heartbreak and misery. Life is seldom fair and only to others. Never to me.
Only for the briefest moments have I known happiness or joy. Then life jerks them away
to laugh at my pain and sorrow. I have known love briefly, only to have my heart ripped
out of my chest and shattered into pieces each time. Even my own parents didn't want me.
A life of being shuttled between family members has left many scars, some inflicted by
others and some by myself. Whenever someone starts to get close, I stare at them. They
are my reminders, my visible memories. And they lead to the scars no one can see, hidden
deep in my heart and soul. My heart and soul are tattered and torn. The darkness in me
leaks out of the holes. I have tried too many times to fix myself and rid myself of the dark
hiding in me. I am tired of trying. There is only so much pain a person can take and I reached
that long ago. I have stopped fighting and built my walls and choose my mask. I sealed my
true self deep within, only to be released when I am alone. Not even those that think they
love me have seen my true self. No one could ever love the monster I have become. My
heart is cold and my soul full of darkness.

     The only clue to my true self are my eyes in my unguarded moments. Haunted, cold,
sorrowful in the moments I forget to put kindness in them. They betray me but I have
become a master at explaining what others see in their depths. That's why you will see
very few pictures of me. The camera sees and captures my eyes. Snapshots that are clues
to the real me. I want as few of them as possible. I can't remember the last time I took a
picture. It must be at least a year ago. And that is fine with me. I have no wish to leave my
mark on this world. When I leave this tragic world, let me go without leaving a lasting mark.

     Does this shock you? Sadden you? Make you feel pity or anger? Don't waste your tears
or emotions on me. I am not worthy of your thoughts are love. I am hollow and empty inside.
I am a shell, a ghost, a sham. I paste a smile on my face every day. I act my part very well.
You walk by me and never know I am a fraud. My smile and words hide so much. I say the
right things and act as other think I should, drifting through life. If anyone tries to see under the
mask or break through the walls, I run or push them away. I shut down and wait for them to
go away. And they do leave. Too much trouble and pain to love me. The cost to them is too
great, causing them to walk away. I am left alone in a sea of people that think they know me.
I am left with the pain I have become used to, the pain I am addicted to. The pain I am used to.
The pain I know how to live with. It is my constant companion, my only friend.

     So walk on by and leave me here. Don't try to help or save me. It cannot be done. I am
unfixable. I am fine with it. Go away and leave me. Help someone that can be saved. I am
a lost cause. Don't fight a battle you can't win. I shall play my part and wear my mask. Leave
me to act my role in life. I am very good at it. Go and leave me to the shadows and darkness.