***Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the Merlin characters. I am just
borrowing them. This story is for entertainment purposes only.***
Gwaine paused outside of Percival's room and took a deep breath. One
down, two to go. He had to hurry. The feast was starting soon and he still had
to find Merlin after talking with Percival. Then he would have to get changed.
He had too much to do and not enough time to do it all. He didn't know if he
would have time to talk to Merlin or not. He raised his hand to knock on the
door. Suddenly a hand grabbed his shoulder and he whirled around to see
Aurora's grandfather standing there.
"Easy Gwaine," Samuel said. "It is just me. Aurora sent me to tell you that I
have talked to Merlin. It is as she thought. Merlin and Grace like each other.
Charlotte likes Percival. Have you talked to Leon and Percival?"
"I just came from talking to Leon," Gwaine replied. "While he finds both
of the princesses charming, his heart already belongs to another. He will help
us however he can. I'm going to talk to Percival now. At least I don't have to
talk to Merlin. Anything else I need to know?"
"Just find Aurora when you are done," Samuel answered. "She wants to
know what you found out. And hurry, you don't have much time."
Samuel turned and hurried back down the hall. Gwaine shook his head
and turned to knock on the door. At Percival's muttered "Come in", he opened
the door and entered the room. Percival sat in a chair, looking out the window.
He was dressed for the feast and that reminded Gwaine of how little time he
had. He had to make this quick. He had a feeling this wouldn't be easy.
"So already dressed for the banquet," Gwaine observed. "Got your eye on
one of the princesses? Ready to charm her and sweep her off her feet? Which
one has caught your attention? Maybe I can nudge her in your direction."
"They are both very lovely," Percival said. "Charlotte appeared to be
charmed by Leon. I'm sure they will be very happy together. Maybe I can
win Grace's heart but she seemed to be more interested in Merlin. I doubt
her father would let her marry him though. And I know Arthur won't."
"Why would Arthur abject to Grace marrying Merlin?" Gwaine asked. "He's
marry Gwen and she's a servant. If anything he should understand and want to
help them. And if Merlin makes Grace happy I'm sure she can convince her
father to let them marry. Or Aurora will convince him."
"If it was anybody but Merlin, you would be right," Percival said. "But this
is Merlin we are talking about. Arthur is not going to let him go so easily. He is
very attached to Merlin. I mean, I like Merlin but he is not the best servant in
Camelot. Arthur could have replaced a million times but he hasn't. He likes
having Merlin around. Even if Merlin brings Grace back to Camelot with him,
he can't be Arthur's servant anymore. He'll be a prince. Princes do not serve
as servant to other princes. It is just not done. Arthur will not let that happen."
"You have a point,"Gwaine said thoughtfully. "Maybe Arthur could make
Merlin his advisor. Or maybe a knight. No, not a knight. Merlin would kill
himself with his own sword within a week. We'll figure something out. But
back to you. I thought Charlotte looked like she was more interested in you
than she was in Leon. He must have bored her because she kept looking in
your direction. She didn't look to happy that you were having fun with Grace.
And it seemed like you kept looking at her."
"But Leon is a great guy," Percival replied in a shocked voice. "How could
she not be charmed by him? He must have been having an off day. Leon can
get any girl he wants. Unless, he doesn't want either one of the princesses. It
must be Beth. He has been spending a lot of time with her lately. That old dog!
Very clever. But I don't see how he can't like Charlotte. She is sweet and
beautiful. Any man would be luck to have her."
"Then why don't you try to woo her?" Gwaine asked. "If you like her why
don't you try to win her heart? I know for a fact she likes you. And Leon's
heart belongs to Beth but don't tell anyone. He wants it to stay a secret."
"It isn't that big of a secret," Percival laughed. "Most of Camelot knows.
But I won't say anything. Knight's honor, I promise. And how do you know
Charlotte likes me? Has she said something to you. Wait, I know. Aurora.
Is there nothing she doesn't know? That woman is amazing. We could use
her as a spy. She doesn't miss anything."
"Well, her sisters are important to her," Gwaine replied. "There isn't
anything she won't do for them. Now do you like Charlotte or not?"
"I do like her," Percival admitted. "But I'm so much taller than her. I'm
scared I might hurt her. She is just so dainty and perfect. I fear I will
crush her. And then Aurora would kill me."
"That is the craziest thing I've ever heard," laughed Gwaine. "The children
of Camelot all adore you. You are their favorite knight. They climb all over
you and bug you constantly. But I have never seen you treat one of them
harshly or hurt them. If you can interact with those wild creatures without
harming them, sure you won't hurt Charlotte."
"But the feelings I have for Charlotte are different," Percival replied. "The
things I want to do with her are not the things you do with children. She makes
my pulse race and my heart beat faster. One kiss from her would be pure
heaven. I want grab her and ride far away from here. I want to pull her into
my room and never come out. I've never felt like this. Just the thought of
her drives me crazy. I love everything about her. The way she smells like fresh
cut grass and sunshine. The way her laughter sounds like bells chiming. Just
everything about her makes me want to make her mine."
"Yep, you've fallen hard," Gwaine replied. "Like I said, she likes you also.
I think it would be a shame for you not to see if she could be the one. She's
willing to try if you are. Believe me, you don't want to wind up wondering what
if. It will drive you crazy."
"Alright," Percival said. "But if this ends badly, I'm blaming you. You better
hurry. The banquet starts in an hour and you are not dressed for it. You don't
want to anger Aurora. She might cut off your head."
Gwaine left and hurried from the room. Closing the door behind him, he
almost ran over Aurora. Quickly, he told what he had found out. She clapped
her hand together in joy and sent Gwaine to his rooms to prepare for the feast.
She quickly vanished down the hallway. Gwaine shook his head in wonder.
Aurora may look lovely and sweet but she had the iron will of a commander.
The feast should be very interesting indeed.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
To my Friend Bee For Her Birthday
I tried finding a card for my friend Bee for her Birthday. None of the cards I found
came close to saying all I wanted her to know. So this for Bee, one of the most
wonderful people I know.
Recently I opened a Twitter account. I was luck enough to find of the best group
of people you could ever hope to meet. I am proud to call myself a Merlinian. We
are fans of the BBC show Merlin and if you haven't seen it, you need to. It is one
of the best shows on TV. The fans of this show are some the funniest and most
caring people you will ever meet. They are one big family, the Merlin Family.
Bee is one of the first people I met when I joined the Merlin Family. She is caring,
funny, talented and just a lovely person. I am proud to call her my friend. I couldn't
know when I met her how much she would change my life. But she has changed
my life for the better just by being the wonderful person she is.
I credit Bee with being one of the people that helped start writing again. I used to
write all the time until life stole that joy from me. She helped ease me back into
writing. Bee was one of the first people to read this blog and encouraged me to
keep writing. She is an amazing writer herself. If I can be half the writer she is,
I will be happy. She also wouldn't let me chicken out of writing a story for one
of our favorite knight. Without Bee, Kidnapping Gwaine would never have seen
the light of day. So Eoin Macken, you have Bee to thank for that birthday gift.
She also never lets me give up on myself. Whenever I feel low or life starts to
get to me, I turn to Bee. She can always make me laugh. She also just lets me
vent and that's what a great friend will do. When I get knocked down, she
picks me up and pushes me back into the fray. She never lets me doubt
that I can handle whatever life throws at me. Bee is one of those rare people
that understands me. I can tell her something and not have to explain why I
feel the way I do. She just knows. A friend like that is worth more than gold.
Bee may not have the easiest life. In fact, sometimes I don't know how she
stands it. Even though life may knock her down, she gets back up and says,
"Is that all you got?" Nothing gets her down for long. Her humor is one of
the things I treasure most about her. She is is our "little bear", a true fighter.
Bee knows life is hard but she is not afraid to live. Her optimism is something
to behold.
If I had one wish, I wish all the goodness she sends out into the world would
come back to her a hundred fold. Then she could see what a difference she
makes to all of us. I hope this year brings her joy and peace. I hope she never
has to struggle for anything. I hope her book becomes a bestseller. I wish her
nothing but good things.
What I'm trying to say, dear Bee, is I am honored to know you. You are
a very special person to me. I can't quite put it into words, but I hope this
isn't too sappy. You make my life better by just being in the world. I hope
this year is wonderful. I don't see this as you getting a year older. I see this
as another year of being blessed by knowing you. Have a great birthday!
came close to saying all I wanted her to know. So this for Bee, one of the most
wonderful people I know.
Recently I opened a Twitter account. I was luck enough to find of the best group
of people you could ever hope to meet. I am proud to call myself a Merlinian. We
are fans of the BBC show Merlin and if you haven't seen it, you need to. It is one
of the best shows on TV. The fans of this show are some the funniest and most
caring people you will ever meet. They are one big family, the Merlin Family.
Bee is one of the first people I met when I joined the Merlin Family. She is caring,
funny, talented and just a lovely person. I am proud to call her my friend. I couldn't
know when I met her how much she would change my life. But she has changed
my life for the better just by being the wonderful person she is.
I credit Bee with being one of the people that helped start writing again. I used to
write all the time until life stole that joy from me. She helped ease me back into
writing. Bee was one of the first people to read this blog and encouraged me to
keep writing. She is an amazing writer herself. If I can be half the writer she is,
I will be happy. She also wouldn't let me chicken out of writing a story for one
of our favorite knight. Without Bee, Kidnapping Gwaine would never have seen
the light of day. So Eoin Macken, you have Bee to thank for that birthday gift.
She also never lets me give up on myself. Whenever I feel low or life starts to
get to me, I turn to Bee. She can always make me laugh. She also just lets me
vent and that's what a great friend will do. When I get knocked down, she
picks me up and pushes me back into the fray. She never lets me doubt
that I can handle whatever life throws at me. Bee is one of those rare people
that understands me. I can tell her something and not have to explain why I
feel the way I do. She just knows. A friend like that is worth more than gold.
Bee may not have the easiest life. In fact, sometimes I don't know how she
stands it. Even though life may knock her down, she gets back up and says,
"Is that all you got?" Nothing gets her down for long. Her humor is one of
the things I treasure most about her. She is is our "little bear", a true fighter.
Bee knows life is hard but she is not afraid to live. Her optimism is something
to behold.
If I had one wish, I wish all the goodness she sends out into the world would
come back to her a hundred fold. Then she could see what a difference she
makes to all of us. I hope this year brings her joy and peace. I hope she never
has to struggle for anything. I hope her book becomes a bestseller. I wish her
nothing but good things.
What I'm trying to say, dear Bee, is I am honored to know you. You are
a very special person to me. I can't quite put it into words, but I hope this
isn't too sappy. You make my life better by just being in the world. I hope
this year is wonderful. I don't see this as you getting a year older. I see this
as another year of being blessed by knowing you. Have a great birthday!
Ifs and Should Have Beens- Chapter 9
***Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the Merlin characters. I am just
borrowing them. This story is for entertainment purposes only***
Gwaine knocked on Leon's door and tried to think of what he was going to
say. He hoped he wouldn't mess this up. Aurora had faith in him and he didn't
want to let her down. After waiting for several minutes, Gwaine poked his head
through the door. Leon was not in his room. Now what was he going to do? He
turned to head for Percival's room.
"Looking for me?" Leon asked with a smile. "You have that look again. What
is on your mind?"
"Just thought I see how you are," Gwaine replied. "See what you thought of
the princesses. So, either one of them catch your eye? They are both beautiful.
A man would be lucky to marry one of them."
"Both of them are beautiful," Leon answered. "They seem to be wonderful
girls. If Arthur wishes it, I'll marry either of them. Whatever Arthur wants."
"Way to be a team player," Gwaine smirked. "Arthur is lucky to have such
a loyal knight. But wouldn't you rather marry someone you loved?"
"Of course I would," Leon responded. "But if Arthur wants me to, I'll
marry Grace or Charlotte. They are both beautiful and I'm sure I'd come to
love them in time. I don't think they like me too much. I think I bore them."
"What is that about?" Gwaine asked. "I caught Charlotte hiding a yawn
several times while speaking to you. And Grace looked like she would rather
be in the stocks than talking to you. I've never met a woman you couldn't
charm. Were you trying to bore them to death? What are you up to?"
"Not really," Leon replied. "But if neither of them fall in love with me,
Arthur won't be forced to ask me to marry one of them. It is not my fault
if they find me dull. I admit I won't be heartbroken. I have no desire to be a
prince. I would much rather stay a knight. And maybe there is someone back
in Camelot I have my eye on."
"You old dog," Gwaine laughed. "Should have known you were making
yourself boring for a reason. Who is she? Let me guess. Beth from the tavern?"
"How do you know?" Leon asked. "We have tried to be careful and not let
anyone know. You won't let the others know?" Gwaine shook his head. "Good.
I don't want the other knights to tease her. I never meant to fall in love with her.
We just started talking one night. She is the most amazing woman I have ever
met. She has two young daughters and they are so sweet and adorable. Her
husband was killed in a freak rock slide accident. But he was horrible to her.
Always sneaking off to see other women. He was a horrible ogre of a man.
I would never treat her like that. I can't wait until we are done here and we
can go back to Camelot. I hate being away from her."
"I see," Gwaine replied. "In that case, I wonder if you'll help me with
something. It might make our stay here shorter. Then you can get back to
Camelot and Beth. I may need some help nudging Percival toward Charlotte.
I think they like each other but won't admit it. Would you help?"
"Anything for a fellow knight," Leon answered. "I think the same thing. It
may be the height problem. He does tower over her. Maybe he's afraid of
hurting her. He is a mountain of a man. Charlotte did keep glancing over at
him while we were talking. I think they would go good together."
"Let me go talk to him," Gwaine said. "I need to see if my hunch is right.
We'll see where to go from there. Not a word of this to anyone. Ok?"
Leon nodded, a huge smile on his face. Gwaine grinned back and walked
out the door. Now he had to find Percival. He hoped he was in his room.
The thought of another conversation in the hall was daunting. At least he
could sit in Percival's room. Time was passing quickly. He hurried down
the hall to Percival's room.
borrowing them. This story is for entertainment purposes only***
Gwaine knocked on Leon's door and tried to think of what he was going to
say. He hoped he wouldn't mess this up. Aurora had faith in him and he didn't
want to let her down. After waiting for several minutes, Gwaine poked his head
through the door. Leon was not in his room. Now what was he going to do? He
turned to head for Percival's room.
"Looking for me?" Leon asked with a smile. "You have that look again. What
is on your mind?"
"Just thought I see how you are," Gwaine replied. "See what you thought of
the princesses. So, either one of them catch your eye? They are both beautiful.
A man would be lucky to marry one of them."
"Both of them are beautiful," Leon answered. "They seem to be wonderful
girls. If Arthur wishes it, I'll marry either of them. Whatever Arthur wants."
"Way to be a team player," Gwaine smirked. "Arthur is lucky to have such
a loyal knight. But wouldn't you rather marry someone you loved?"
"Of course I would," Leon responded. "But if Arthur wants me to, I'll
marry Grace or Charlotte. They are both beautiful and I'm sure I'd come to
love them in time. I don't think they like me too much. I think I bore them."
"What is that about?" Gwaine asked. "I caught Charlotte hiding a yawn
several times while speaking to you. And Grace looked like she would rather
be in the stocks than talking to you. I've never met a woman you couldn't
charm. Were you trying to bore them to death? What are you up to?"
"Not really," Leon replied. "But if neither of them fall in love with me,
Arthur won't be forced to ask me to marry one of them. It is not my fault
if they find me dull. I admit I won't be heartbroken. I have no desire to be a
prince. I would much rather stay a knight. And maybe there is someone back
in Camelot I have my eye on."
"You old dog," Gwaine laughed. "Should have known you were making
yourself boring for a reason. Who is she? Let me guess. Beth from the tavern?"
"How do you know?" Leon asked. "We have tried to be careful and not let
anyone know. You won't let the others know?" Gwaine shook his head. "Good.
I don't want the other knights to tease her. I never meant to fall in love with her.
We just started talking one night. She is the most amazing woman I have ever
met. She has two young daughters and they are so sweet and adorable. Her
husband was killed in a freak rock slide accident. But he was horrible to her.
Always sneaking off to see other women. He was a horrible ogre of a man.
I would never treat her like that. I can't wait until we are done here and we
can go back to Camelot. I hate being away from her."
"I see," Gwaine replied. "In that case, I wonder if you'll help me with
something. It might make our stay here shorter. Then you can get back to
Camelot and Beth. I may need some help nudging Percival toward Charlotte.
I think they like each other but won't admit it. Would you help?"
"Anything for a fellow knight," Leon answered. "I think the same thing. It
may be the height problem. He does tower over her. Maybe he's afraid of
hurting her. He is a mountain of a man. Charlotte did keep glancing over at
him while we were talking. I think they would go good together."
"Let me go talk to him," Gwaine said. "I need to see if my hunch is right.
We'll see where to go from there. Not a word of this to anyone. Ok?"
Leon nodded, a huge smile on his face. Gwaine grinned back and walked
out the door. Now he had to find Percival. He hoped he was in his room.
The thought of another conversation in the hall was daunting. At least he
could sit in Percival's room. Time was passing quickly. He hurried down
the hall to Percival's room.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Ifs and Should Have Beens- Chapter 8
***Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the Merlin characters. I am just
borrowing them. This story is for entertainment purposes only.***
Aurora's grandfather paced the hallway, pausing just outside the door to
Arthur's chambers. He knew that Arthur was still talking with Thomas. He also
knew that Merlin was in Arthur's room, preparing for supper. He had not missed
the spark that flew between the young servant and his eldest granddaughter. At
the time, he had thought nothing of it. After his talk with Aurora, he could think
of nothing else. Had it been magic calling to magic or just youthful hormones?
He had not been able to get close enough to Merlin to tell for sure. Magic had
been in the room but he had to be sure it belonged to Merlin. He did not have
much time. Arthur would be back soon to get ready for the feast. The old
gentleman knocked on the door and entered the room.
The current of magic in the room was strong. The person that wielded it
was a very strong wizard, possibly the strongest he had ever met. His eyes
searched the room, coming to rest on Merlin. The young man stood next to
the bed, laying out Arthur clothes. Merlin gazed back at him with a questioning
look in his eyes. So young to have so much power and ability to control it.
Pure and good, the magic flowed from Merlin in waves. The old man could
not believe he hadn't sensed it more fully before. Old age was dulling his senses.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything important," Aurora's grandfather said.
Merlin shook his head. ""Good, good. I just came to see if you needed anything.
And to remind you that you will be treated as an equal at dinner tonight. You do
have something to wear, don't you?"
"But I'm just Arthur's servant," Merlin stammered. "I thought I would just eat
in the kitchen. I really don't have anything suitable to wear. I don't think it is wise
for me to dine with you. I have no idea how to act and I might do something
foolish. I wouldn't want to embarrass Arthur."
"Nonsense," the old man replied. "I'll send you something of William's to wear.
You seem to be about the same size. And you will be there as my guest. I'll
need someone to talk to. My son will be busy talking to Arthur. Aurora will be
busy with Gwaine. Grace and Charlotte will be talking to Percival and Leon.
That leaves William and as much as I love my grandson, he is a bore. All he
wants to talk about is baking and cooking. Or flowers and how to run the
castle. Make no mistake, he loves women. But he is just too much in touch with
his feminine side for me. Luckily, his future bride is very in touch with her masculine
side. A match made in heaven, those two. Unless you wish to talk to one of my
granddaughters? Grace perhaps?"
"It would be an honor to keep you company during dinner," Merlin answered.
"I'm not sure what we could talk about though. And as for your granddaughter, she
is lovely but out of my reach. I am merely a servant. A princess would never give
me a second look."
"I saw her give you more than a second look," the old man replied. "She gave
you many looks. And isn't your king's betrothed a maid? My son would not
object if she cared about you. He wants her to be happy. As for what we
could talk about, I have a few ideas. Such as how you manage to keep your
magic hidden from Arthur."
"I don't know what you are talking about," Merlin protested. "I don't have
magic. What a silly idea."
"You know what I am speaking of," the old man replied. "My name is Samuel.
I have magic and Grace has magic. I promise we will keep your secret. I risk
much by telling you this. Do you think I would if I just thought you had magic?
Your magic is the strongest I ever detected in another person. I would almost
say you could be Emrys."
"That is what the Druids call me," Merlin said as he sat in the chair beside the
bed. "How could you tell? I try so hard to keep it hidden. Arthur can't know!
Not yet. He has come so far. Just a little more time and he will lift the ban on
magic. But not yet. I can't get this close just to fail."
"Calm down Merlin," Samuel replied. "Your secret is safe with me. If I
tell Arthur I would have to admit I have magic also. The risk is great for me
also. Now, do you have feelings for Grace? If so, Aurora and I will help you.
Aurora has questioned Grace and she does have feelings for you. Where it
goes from here is up to you. Just know that you have friends to support you."
"I am attracted to her," Merlin admitted shyly. "She is beautiful and when
she smiles it is like the whole room brightens. The whole time she was talking
to Percival, I wished it was me she was talking to. I've never felt like this
about a woman before. I can't think of anything but her. I think I'm going
crazy. And I haven't even talked to her yet."
"I felt the same way when I first met her grandmother," Samuel replied with
a chuckle. "Love does that to you. When you met the other half of your soul,
it is like a bolt of lightening hits you. Your life will never be the same. You
have answered my questions. Leave the rest to me and Aurora. I'll send
someone with clothes for you. If Arthur has any questions, just send for
me. I must go find Aurora and arrange a few things. Be at peace, young
warlock. Things will work out for the best."
Merlin stared after the old man as he left the room. At the sound of the
door closing, he shook his head and rose to his feet. He still wasn't sure
what had just happened. Merlin felt he could trust Samuel with his secret.
One thing was sure, dinner was bound to be interesting.
borrowing them. This story is for entertainment purposes only.***
Aurora's grandfather paced the hallway, pausing just outside the door to
Arthur's chambers. He knew that Arthur was still talking with Thomas. He also
knew that Merlin was in Arthur's room, preparing for supper. He had not missed
the spark that flew between the young servant and his eldest granddaughter. At
the time, he had thought nothing of it. After his talk with Aurora, he could think
of nothing else. Had it been magic calling to magic or just youthful hormones?
He had not been able to get close enough to Merlin to tell for sure. Magic had
been in the room but he had to be sure it belonged to Merlin. He did not have
much time. Arthur would be back soon to get ready for the feast. The old
gentleman knocked on the door and entered the room.
The current of magic in the room was strong. The person that wielded it
was a very strong wizard, possibly the strongest he had ever met. His eyes
searched the room, coming to rest on Merlin. The young man stood next to
the bed, laying out Arthur clothes. Merlin gazed back at him with a questioning
look in his eyes. So young to have so much power and ability to control it.
Pure and good, the magic flowed from Merlin in waves. The old man could
not believe he hadn't sensed it more fully before. Old age was dulling his senses.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything important," Aurora's grandfather said.
Merlin shook his head. ""Good, good. I just came to see if you needed anything.
And to remind you that you will be treated as an equal at dinner tonight. You do
have something to wear, don't you?"
"But I'm just Arthur's servant," Merlin stammered. "I thought I would just eat
in the kitchen. I really don't have anything suitable to wear. I don't think it is wise
for me to dine with you. I have no idea how to act and I might do something
foolish. I wouldn't want to embarrass Arthur."
"Nonsense," the old man replied. "I'll send you something of William's to wear.
You seem to be about the same size. And you will be there as my guest. I'll
need someone to talk to. My son will be busy talking to Arthur. Aurora will be
busy with Gwaine. Grace and Charlotte will be talking to Percival and Leon.
That leaves William and as much as I love my grandson, he is a bore. All he
wants to talk about is baking and cooking. Or flowers and how to run the
castle. Make no mistake, he loves women. But he is just too much in touch with
his feminine side for me. Luckily, his future bride is very in touch with her masculine
side. A match made in heaven, those two. Unless you wish to talk to one of my
granddaughters? Grace perhaps?"
"It would be an honor to keep you company during dinner," Merlin answered.
"I'm not sure what we could talk about though. And as for your granddaughter, she
is lovely but out of my reach. I am merely a servant. A princess would never give
me a second look."
"I saw her give you more than a second look," the old man replied. "She gave
you many looks. And isn't your king's betrothed a maid? My son would not
object if she cared about you. He wants her to be happy. As for what we
could talk about, I have a few ideas. Such as how you manage to keep your
magic hidden from Arthur."
"I don't know what you are talking about," Merlin protested. "I don't have
magic. What a silly idea."
"You know what I am speaking of," the old man replied. "My name is Samuel.
I have magic and Grace has magic. I promise we will keep your secret. I risk
much by telling you this. Do you think I would if I just thought you had magic?
Your magic is the strongest I ever detected in another person. I would almost
say you could be Emrys."
"That is what the Druids call me," Merlin said as he sat in the chair beside the
bed. "How could you tell? I try so hard to keep it hidden. Arthur can't know!
Not yet. He has come so far. Just a little more time and he will lift the ban on
magic. But not yet. I can't get this close just to fail."
"Calm down Merlin," Samuel replied. "Your secret is safe with me. If I
tell Arthur I would have to admit I have magic also. The risk is great for me
also. Now, do you have feelings for Grace? If so, Aurora and I will help you.
Aurora has questioned Grace and she does have feelings for you. Where it
goes from here is up to you. Just know that you have friends to support you."
"I am attracted to her," Merlin admitted shyly. "She is beautiful and when
she smiles it is like the whole room brightens. The whole time she was talking
to Percival, I wished it was me she was talking to. I've never felt like this
about a woman before. I can't think of anything but her. I think I'm going
crazy. And I haven't even talked to her yet."
"I felt the same way when I first met her grandmother," Samuel replied with
a chuckle. "Love does that to you. When you met the other half of your soul,
it is like a bolt of lightening hits you. Your life will never be the same. You
have answered my questions. Leave the rest to me and Aurora. I'll send
someone with clothes for you. If Arthur has any questions, just send for
me. I must go find Aurora and arrange a few things. Be at peace, young
warlock. Things will work out for the best."
Merlin stared after the old man as he left the room. At the sound of the
door closing, he shook his head and rose to his feet. He still wasn't sure
what had just happened. Merlin felt he could trust Samuel with his secret.
One thing was sure, dinner was bound to be interesting.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
If and Should Have Beens- Chapter 7
***Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Merlin characters, I'm just borrowing them.
This story is for entertainment purposes only.***
Aurora knocked on Grace's door and waited for her sister to answer. As she
waited, Aurora thought about her two sisters. Their future happiness meant the
world to her. She was scared that they would let their loyalty to their father lead
them into marriage with the wrong men. Aurora didn't need Grace's magic to see
how her sisters felt about Leon,Percival and Merlin. Grace would never be happy
with Percival or Leon. A bit of her would die as she would have to hide an very
important part of who she was. Aurora couldn't be sure, but she thought Merlin
was a perfect match for Grace. If he didn't have magic, he at least didn't find
it evil or abhorrent. She would have to ask her grandfather to be sure. He could
always sense if someone had magic or not. As for Charlotte, she was clearly
attracted to Percival but wouldn't let herself admit it. Thinking Grace liked the
brawny knight, she would step aside and allow Leon to court her. That was
a disaster waiting to happen. Leon would never be able to control her feisty
sister. Percival was a much better match. Now if only she could get her sisters
to come to the same conclusion without them thinking she was meddling.
"Come in," Grace said gloomily. Aurora came through the door to find
both of her sisters sitting cross-legged on Grace's bed. This might be easier
than she had thought. From the solemn looks on their faces, Aurora sensed
that they had been talking about the knights. It shouldn't be too hard to
steer the conversation to how they felt and which man they liked. If they
were honest with her, that is. Luckily each had a tell that let Aurora know
when they were lying. Charlotte would twist her long hair around her finger
while Grace tended to tilt her head to the side and stare at the ground. Well,
time to find out if her hunches were right.
"So did either of you meet the love of your life today?" Aurora questioned
as she flopped on the bed. "Percival and Leon both seem like nice guys. But
if I wasn't already in love with Gwaine, I would go after Merlin. I always
have liked the tall, dark and handsome type. He just has an extra something
about him. I can't quite put my finger on it, but his eyes just draw you in."
"Tell me about it," Grace replied dreamily. "His eyes are amazing. And
his laugh is the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. But I didn't notice him
that much. He is just a servant. Now Percival seems very nice. Tall, nice
looking, strong and manly." Grace tilted her head to the side and stared at
her bed covers. "Leon is nice but there is no spark. But Charlotte got
along nicely with him. Maybe there's a love match between them."
"Leon is very nice," Charlotte replied softly. "He is brave and sweet.
He is very loyal to Arthur and would be a wonderful husband. I think
that Percival and Grace make a lovely couple." She twisted her hair
around her finger thoughtfully. "I'm sure I would be very happy with
Leon. And Grace will be happy with Percival. And Father will be happy
that we are all happy."
"You both know that I know you are lying," Aurora replied. "Leon is
a very nice man but he will never make you happy, Charlotte. He's just
too normal and boring. I saw you glancing at Percival the whole time
you were talking to Leon. And he kept looking your way while he talked
to Grace. Grace, the look you and Merlin exchanged could have melted
every candle in the room. Why are the two of you hiding your feelings?
Do you want to be miserable for the rest of your lives?"
"Now just wait a minute," Charlotte said as she jumped to her feet.
"What gives you the right to tell us how we feel? We had everything
sorted out between us before you barged in here. I am going to marry
Leon and Grace will marry Percival. And we will all be very happy."
"I am your sister and I care about your happiness," Aurora retorted. "You
really think you'll be happy? The two of you just look overjoyed at what you
have decided. Grace looks like she about to throw up and you look like you're
about to cry. You look so happy."
"We are happy!" Charlotte screamed. "Grace is a better match for Percival.
I'm too short for him. So what if he's everything I've wanted in a man? He'll
soon get tired of having to bend down to talk to me. And how would it work
in the bedroom? He'll crush me. I'm better off with Leon."
"And I could never be with Merlin," Grace added quietly. He's a servant
and I am a princess. Father would never allow it. Percival is my best bet. But
if Charlotte likes him then I'll marry Leon."
"Well that's good for Charlotte," Aurora replied. "But what about you?
You deserve to be happy too. And Father won't care if Merlin is a servant
if you truly love him. He wants us all to be happy. Titles and land don't mean
that much to him. Our happiness is important to him. If we marry just to please
him, he won't be happy. Besides, the three of us combined can get him to agree
to anything. If you want Merlin, just say so."
"Are you sure?" Grace asked. "You know Father is when he gets angry. Heads
will roll and all. Merlin is so handsome and I think he may have magic. Of course
he has to hide it from Arthur. Wouldn't it be lovely if he did? I could share that
with him. I'd have to hide my magic from Leon or Percival. That would be simply
dreadful. I don't want to have to hide anything from my husband."
"If you want Merlin and he wants you, we shall make it so," Aurora said with
a chuckle. "Now Charlotte, Percival seems like a good bloke. He strikes me as
a gentle giant. If he likes you as much as you like him, there is nothing he won't
do for you. You could get him to walk on his knees for you. At least in private.
And I have a book that would help you in the bedroom. There are a lot of
things you can do together without getting crushed. Aunt Anna sent it to me
several years ago. Very interesting little book."
"If you say so," Charlotte replied. "But how do we make all of this happen?
We don't even know if Merlin and Percival feel the same way. We could be
planning all of this for nothing. Wait. You have Gwaine questioning them, don't
you? Aurora! How could you?"
"I want my sisters to as happy as I am," Aurora answered. "I can't question
them so I sent Gwaine. Don't worry, he will get answers. Now I need to go talk
to Grandfather. He can find out if Merlin has magic or not. I'll see you two at
dinner. Don't be late and be sure to look your best."
Aurora darted from the room to find her grandfather. Grace and Charlotte
began to get ready for dinner. Dresses were chosen and re chosen. Hairstyles
and jewels were examined and debated upon. Time flew in a rush. All the
while the two sisters chattered happily, confident their sister knew what she
was doing. They would follow where she led them.
waited, Aurora thought about her two sisters. Their future happiness meant the
world to her. She was scared that they would let their loyalty to their father lead
them into marriage with the wrong men. Aurora didn't need Grace's magic to see
how her sisters felt about Leon,Percival and Merlin. Grace would never be happy
with Percival or Leon. A bit of her would die as she would have to hide an very
important part of who she was. Aurora couldn't be sure, but she thought Merlin
was a perfect match for Grace. If he didn't have magic, he at least didn't find
it evil or abhorrent. She would have to ask her grandfather to be sure. He could
always sense if someone had magic or not. As for Charlotte, she was clearly
attracted to Percival but wouldn't let herself admit it. Thinking Grace liked the
brawny knight, she would step aside and allow Leon to court her. That was
a disaster waiting to happen. Leon would never be able to control her feisty
sister. Percival was a much better match. Now if only she could get her sisters
to come to the same conclusion without them thinking she was meddling.
"Come in," Grace said gloomily. Aurora came through the door to find
both of her sisters sitting cross-legged on Grace's bed. This might be easier
than she had thought. From the solemn looks on their faces, Aurora sensed
that they had been talking about the knights. It shouldn't be too hard to
steer the conversation to how they felt and which man they liked. If they
were honest with her, that is. Luckily each had a tell that let Aurora know
when they were lying. Charlotte would twist her long hair around her finger
while Grace tended to tilt her head to the side and stare at the ground. Well,
time to find out if her hunches were right.
"So did either of you meet the love of your life today?" Aurora questioned
as she flopped on the bed. "Percival and Leon both seem like nice guys. But
if I wasn't already in love with Gwaine, I would go after Merlin. I always
have liked the tall, dark and handsome type. He just has an extra something
about him. I can't quite put my finger on it, but his eyes just draw you in."
"Tell me about it," Grace replied dreamily. "His eyes are amazing. And
his laugh is the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. But I didn't notice him
that much. He is just a servant. Now Percival seems very nice. Tall, nice
looking, strong and manly." Grace tilted her head to the side and stared at
her bed covers. "Leon is nice but there is no spark. But Charlotte got
along nicely with him. Maybe there's a love match between them."
"Leon is very nice," Charlotte replied softly. "He is brave and sweet.
He is very loyal to Arthur and would be a wonderful husband. I think
that Percival and Grace make a lovely couple." She twisted her hair
around her finger thoughtfully. "I'm sure I would be very happy with
Leon. And Grace will be happy with Percival. And Father will be happy
that we are all happy."
"You both know that I know you are lying," Aurora replied. "Leon is
a very nice man but he will never make you happy, Charlotte. He's just
too normal and boring. I saw you glancing at Percival the whole time
you were talking to Leon. And he kept looking your way while he talked
to Grace. Grace, the look you and Merlin exchanged could have melted
every candle in the room. Why are the two of you hiding your feelings?
Do you want to be miserable for the rest of your lives?"
"Now just wait a minute," Charlotte said as she jumped to her feet.
"What gives you the right to tell us how we feel? We had everything
sorted out between us before you barged in here. I am going to marry
Leon and Grace will marry Percival. And we will all be very happy."
"I am your sister and I care about your happiness," Aurora retorted. "You
really think you'll be happy? The two of you just look overjoyed at what you
have decided. Grace looks like she about to throw up and you look like you're
about to cry. You look so happy."
"We are happy!" Charlotte screamed. "Grace is a better match for Percival.
I'm too short for him. So what if he's everything I've wanted in a man? He'll
soon get tired of having to bend down to talk to me. And how would it work
in the bedroom? He'll crush me. I'm better off with Leon."
"And I could never be with Merlin," Grace added quietly. He's a servant
and I am a princess. Father would never allow it. Percival is my best bet. But
if Charlotte likes him then I'll marry Leon."
"Well that's good for Charlotte," Aurora replied. "But what about you?
You deserve to be happy too. And Father won't care if Merlin is a servant
if you truly love him. He wants us all to be happy. Titles and land don't mean
that much to him. Our happiness is important to him. If we marry just to please
him, he won't be happy. Besides, the three of us combined can get him to agree
to anything. If you want Merlin, just say so."
"Are you sure?" Grace asked. "You know Father is when he gets angry. Heads
will roll and all. Merlin is so handsome and I think he may have magic. Of course
he has to hide it from Arthur. Wouldn't it be lovely if he did? I could share that
with him. I'd have to hide my magic from Leon or Percival. That would be simply
dreadful. I don't want to have to hide anything from my husband."
"If you want Merlin and he wants you, we shall make it so," Aurora said with
a chuckle. "Now Charlotte, Percival seems like a good bloke. He strikes me as
a gentle giant. If he likes you as much as you like him, there is nothing he won't
do for you. You could get him to walk on his knees for you. At least in private.
And I have a book that would help you in the bedroom. There are a lot of
things you can do together without getting crushed. Aunt Anna sent it to me
several years ago. Very interesting little book."
"If you say so," Charlotte replied. "But how do we make all of this happen?
We don't even know if Merlin and Percival feel the same way. We could be
planning all of this for nothing. Wait. You have Gwaine questioning them, don't
you? Aurora! How could you?"
"I want my sisters to as happy as I am," Aurora answered. "I can't question
them so I sent Gwaine. Don't worry, he will get answers. Now I need to go talk
to Grandfather. He can find out if Merlin has magic or not. I'll see you two at
dinner. Don't be late and be sure to look your best."
Aurora darted from the room to find her grandfather. Grace and Charlotte
began to get ready for dinner. Dresses were chosen and re chosen. Hairstyles
and jewels were examined and debated upon. Time flew in a rush. All the
while the two sisters chattered happily, confident their sister knew what she
was doing. They would follow where she led them.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Ifs and Should Have Beens-Chapter 6
***Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the Merlin characters. This story is for
entertainment purposes only.***
"King Arthur of Camelot," the guard announced in a booming voice as he waved Arthur
through the door to the throne room. "Sir Leon and Sir Percival, Knights of Camelot. And
Merlin, personal servant to King Arthur." With a low bow, the servant closed the door.
Arthur strode toward where King Thomas sat on his throne. Leon and Percival followed,
leaving Merlin to trail behind them. Merlin glanced at Gwaine, standing beside Aurora at
King Thomas' left side. To King Thomas' right stood a tall serious looking young man and
two beautiful young women. One had golden-brown hair and startling green eyes. The
taller of the two had long dark hair and a captivating smile. When Merlin glanced at her,
his heart almost stopped. He gazed into her sparkling blue eyes and it seemed as if time
had stopped. Her eyes reminded him of the pond he used to swim in when he was
younger. Merlin quickly looked away, not understanding how one glance could affect
him this way. He shook his head, trying to clear it of the thoughts running through it. She
was a princess. He could never hope to win her heart.
Grace smiled and tried to pay attention as her father introduced Arthur and his
knights to his family. But it was no use. Her mind would not focus on anyone but Merlin.
Her eyes searched for him, finally finding him standing beside Arthur. He smiled and it
was as if the room became brighter. He laughed at a joke her father told and it was the
most musical sound Grace had ever heard. Why was he having this effect on her? They
hadn't even talked, just shared one quick glance. She had never felt like this about any
man before. He wasn't even a knight, just Arthur's servant. A princess simply didn't have
these feelings. Grace turned her attention to Sir Percival and tried not think about Merlin.
Charlotte fought back a yawn as Sir Leon tried to impress her with tales of his knightly
adventures. He was handsome and nice, witty and brave. He was a loyal and brave knight
but he didn't make her heart skip a beat. As Sir Leon droned on, she looked over to find
her sister engaged in conversation with Sir Percival. Now there was a man. But why did
he have to be so tall? They would look ridiculous together. He would have to bend down
to hear her talk. He'd have to pick her up to kiss her. Grace was a much better match for
him. They seemed to be getting along wonderfully. Charlotte turned her focus to Sir Leon
but the thought of Percival kissing her brought a smile to her lips. She tried to banish the
image but it would not leave her mind. She struggled to gain control of her thoughts. She
smiled and leaned forward to ask Sir Leon a question, vainly trying to ignore Percival.
Percival nodded as Grace continued telling him a story about her childhood. She was
very beautiful and her eyes could stop a man right in his tracks. Her voice was pleasant
and she was all together lovely. She would make anyone a good wife. But there was
no spark, no attraction. He glanced over at Leon and Princess Charlotte. Her gentle
green eyes called to him, urging him to protect her from all of life's trials. She smiled
at Leon and Percival's heart sank, jealous that her smile hadn't been for him. He
wanted to ask Charlotte if she wanted to go from a walk in the gardens with him.
But she was laughing at something Leon had just said. She clearly enjoyed Leon's
company and Percival could blame her. Leon was brave and loyal, funny and smart.
He also didn't tower over her like a giant. They made a nice couple. He was happy
for his friend. Charlotte would be the perfect wife for him.
"Come Arthur," King Thomas said. "Bring Merlin and I shall show you to your
room. You have had a long journey and I'm sure you will want to wash up and
rest. Sir Gwaine can show his fellow knights to their rooms. After they are done
talking to my daughters that is." King Thomas threw an arm around Arthur and led
him from the room. Merlin shot one last longing look at Grace and followed behind
them. Merlin started to close the door, but King Thomas shook his head. He knew
what young ladies and handsome knights could do behind closed doors. The door
would stay open.
"What a mess this is," Aurora laughed as she studied her sisters and the two
knights. Gwaine raised a eyebrow and she laughed again. "When you told me about
Leon, Percival and Merlin I feared this would happen. Grace and Merlin are attracted
to each other but won't admit it because she is a princess and he is a servant. Charlotte
likes Percival but is scared that they look silly together. She thinks Grace likes him
so she'll step aside and let him court Grace. Percival likes Charlotte but thinks she
likes Leon so he'll let Leon court Charlotte. And none of them will say anything
because they don't want to hurt anyone. They will wind up married to the wrong people
if we don't managed to talk some sense into them."
"They seem to be happy," Gwaine replied. "Nothing seems wrong to me. I think
Leon will be a good match for Charlotte. Percival and Grace look like they are
getting along nicely. Everything looks fine to me."
"Men," Aurora said. "You think you are so smart but you miss so much. There
were so many secret glances and stolen looks in this room. Trust a man to miss them
all. Grace is just be polite but her mind is full of thoughts of Merlin. Charlotte thinks
Leon is nice but she really wants to talk to Percival. Percival would never stand in
the way of a fellow knight. And I think you could put any pretty girl in front of Leon
and he would be happy. How can you not see this?" Gwaine shrugged. "Are you
going to help me or not? I'll talk to my sisters. I need you to talk to Leon and Percival.
Please? I just want my sisters to be as happy as we are. And don't forget Merlin."
"You know that I'll do anything for you," Gwaine replied. "So I need to discreetly
ask them how they feel about your sisters. And then report back to you. I'll show them
to their rooms and start with Percival. I meet you in the garden before dinner and tell
you what I found out. Do I get anything for doing this or is this a mission of mercy?"
"I'll see after you talk to your boys," Aurora replied with a smile. "Sisters, I think
we should rest before dinner. Shall we retire to our rooms?"
Grace and Charlotte followed Aurora from the room. Aurora glanced back at
Gwaine and gave him a wink. Gwaine grinned and nodded his head. He turned back
and looked at Percival and Leon. Nothing seemed to be wrong but if Aurora said
something was wrong, it usually was.
"Come on boys," he said. "I'll show you where your rooms are. I'm sure you could
use some rest before dinner." Leon and Percival followed Gwaine from the room,
unaware of the questions soon to be asked. It was going to be a long day.
entertainment purposes only.***
"King Arthur of Camelot," the guard announced in a booming voice as he waved Arthur
through the door to the throne room. "Sir Leon and Sir Percival, Knights of Camelot. And
Merlin, personal servant to King Arthur." With a low bow, the servant closed the door.
Arthur strode toward where King Thomas sat on his throne. Leon and Percival followed,
leaving Merlin to trail behind them. Merlin glanced at Gwaine, standing beside Aurora at
King Thomas' left side. To King Thomas' right stood a tall serious looking young man and
two beautiful young women. One had golden-brown hair and startling green eyes. The
taller of the two had long dark hair and a captivating smile. When Merlin glanced at her,
his heart almost stopped. He gazed into her sparkling blue eyes and it seemed as if time
had stopped. Her eyes reminded him of the pond he used to swim in when he was
younger. Merlin quickly looked away, not understanding how one glance could affect
him this way. He shook his head, trying to clear it of the thoughts running through it. She
was a princess. He could never hope to win her heart.
Grace smiled and tried to pay attention as her father introduced Arthur and his
knights to his family. But it was no use. Her mind would not focus on anyone but Merlin.
Her eyes searched for him, finally finding him standing beside Arthur. He smiled and it
was as if the room became brighter. He laughed at a joke her father told and it was the
most musical sound Grace had ever heard. Why was he having this effect on her? They
hadn't even talked, just shared one quick glance. She had never felt like this about any
man before. He wasn't even a knight, just Arthur's servant. A princess simply didn't have
these feelings. Grace turned her attention to Sir Percival and tried not think about Merlin.
Charlotte fought back a yawn as Sir Leon tried to impress her with tales of his knightly
adventures. He was handsome and nice, witty and brave. He was a loyal and brave knight
but he didn't make her heart skip a beat. As Sir Leon droned on, she looked over to find
her sister engaged in conversation with Sir Percival. Now there was a man. But why did
he have to be so tall? They would look ridiculous together. He would have to bend down
to hear her talk. He'd have to pick her up to kiss her. Grace was a much better match for
him. They seemed to be getting along wonderfully. Charlotte turned her focus to Sir Leon
but the thought of Percival kissing her brought a smile to her lips. She tried to banish the
image but it would not leave her mind. She struggled to gain control of her thoughts. She
smiled and leaned forward to ask Sir Leon a question, vainly trying to ignore Percival.
Percival nodded as Grace continued telling him a story about her childhood. She was
very beautiful and her eyes could stop a man right in his tracks. Her voice was pleasant
and she was all together lovely. She would make anyone a good wife. But there was
no spark, no attraction. He glanced over at Leon and Princess Charlotte. Her gentle
green eyes called to him, urging him to protect her from all of life's trials. She smiled
at Leon and Percival's heart sank, jealous that her smile hadn't been for him. He
wanted to ask Charlotte if she wanted to go from a walk in the gardens with him.
But she was laughing at something Leon had just said. She clearly enjoyed Leon's
company and Percival could blame her. Leon was brave and loyal, funny and smart.
He also didn't tower over her like a giant. They made a nice couple. He was happy
for his friend. Charlotte would be the perfect wife for him.
"Come Arthur," King Thomas said. "Bring Merlin and I shall show you to your
room. You have had a long journey and I'm sure you will want to wash up and
rest. Sir Gwaine can show his fellow knights to their rooms. After they are done
talking to my daughters that is." King Thomas threw an arm around Arthur and led
him from the room. Merlin shot one last longing look at Grace and followed behind
them. Merlin started to close the door, but King Thomas shook his head. He knew
what young ladies and handsome knights could do behind closed doors. The door
would stay open.
"What a mess this is," Aurora laughed as she studied her sisters and the two
knights. Gwaine raised a eyebrow and she laughed again. "When you told me about
Leon, Percival and Merlin I feared this would happen. Grace and Merlin are attracted
to each other but won't admit it because she is a princess and he is a servant. Charlotte
likes Percival but is scared that they look silly together. She thinks Grace likes him
so she'll step aside and let him court Grace. Percival likes Charlotte but thinks she
likes Leon so he'll let Leon court Charlotte. And none of them will say anything
because they don't want to hurt anyone. They will wind up married to the wrong people
if we don't managed to talk some sense into them."
"They seem to be happy," Gwaine replied. "Nothing seems wrong to me. I think
Leon will be a good match for Charlotte. Percival and Grace look like they are
getting along nicely. Everything looks fine to me."
"Men," Aurora said. "You think you are so smart but you miss so much. There
were so many secret glances and stolen looks in this room. Trust a man to miss them
all. Grace is just be polite but her mind is full of thoughts of Merlin. Charlotte thinks
Leon is nice but she really wants to talk to Percival. Percival would never stand in
the way of a fellow knight. And I think you could put any pretty girl in front of Leon
and he would be happy. How can you not see this?" Gwaine shrugged. "Are you
going to help me or not? I'll talk to my sisters. I need you to talk to Leon and Percival.
Please? I just want my sisters to be as happy as we are. And don't forget Merlin."
"You know that I'll do anything for you," Gwaine replied. "So I need to discreetly
ask them how they feel about your sisters. And then report back to you. I'll show them
to their rooms and start with Percival. I meet you in the garden before dinner and tell
you what I found out. Do I get anything for doing this or is this a mission of mercy?"
"I'll see after you talk to your boys," Aurora replied with a smile. "Sisters, I think
we should rest before dinner. Shall we retire to our rooms?"
Grace and Charlotte followed Aurora from the room. Aurora glanced back at
Gwaine and gave him a wink. Gwaine grinned and nodded his head. He turned back
and looked at Percival and Leon. Nothing seemed to be wrong but if Aurora said
something was wrong, it usually was.
"Come on boys," he said. "I'll show you where your rooms are. I'm sure you could
use some rest before dinner." Leon and Percival followed Gwaine from the room,
unaware of the questions soon to be asked. It was going to be a long day.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
My Father
When I say my father, I am talking about the man that contributed half of my genes. I
call the man that raised me Dad. He is really my grandfather but he adopted me and my
brother when I was six. Dad worked hard to put a roof over my head and food in my
stomach. Dad drove me to school and the library. Dad is the man that loves me and
is always there for me. The word dad means love to me. The word father is more
formal and distant. So the man that has always taken care of me is Dad. The man
that split and left me when I was two is Father. The man my mother married after he
left is my stepfather but there are a lot of less than pleasent names I have called him
over the years. But this is about my father.
I don't remember my father. He left when I was two, shortly after my mother brought
my younger brother home from the hospital. I don't know what happened between
my mother and father. I just know he left and my stepfather moved right in. Then
came two years of torture that I have mostly blocked out of my mind. But it has
left its mark on me. But that is a story for another time. I used to blame my father
for the pain I endured. But I have forgiven him for leaving. It was what he felt he
had to do I guess. You can't go back and change the past. I used to wish I could.
But then I wouldn't be the person I am today. Maybe I'd be better but I could also
be worse. I'll stick with the me I know. It taught me to never depend on another
person for my happiness. It also made me realize that there are questions I'll never
know the answers to. Bad things will happen to you. But you decide if those things
will break you or make you stronger. Blaming someone else for your unhappiness
and hating them just weakens you. It chains you to the past and gives them power
over you. That was a hard lesson to learn but only by forgiving him, and others that
hurt me, was I able to move on. When I forgave him, I grew stronger and I was able
to really start living my life.
I know next to nothing about him. I have never seen a picture of him. My family does
not like talking about him. Out of respect for my mom and dad, I try not to ask too
many questions. It was a bad time in my family history and I don't want to open
old wounds. Sometimes you let things go so you don't hurt the ones you love.
But I wonder about him. There is a whole side of my family I know nothing about.
I like to think I got my blue eyes from him. Most of my family have brown eyes.
The only other people with blue eyes are my dad and his dad. I'm also the picky
eater in the family. Most of the family like the same things, I however do not like
gravy, sausage, okra, squash, greens and a lot of other things that the rest of my
family can't live without. Maybe my picky palete comes from him. My sense of
humour is very different from the rest of the family. But my younger brother's
sense of humour is similar to mine, so maybe that came from him. I have so
many questions I would love to ask him but I will never get that chance.
My father died when I was a teenager. I had a lot of hate in my heart for him back
then. I was search for who I was and how I fit in. I carried the belief that I had
driven him away. I thought if I had been a better child then he would have stayed.
I was one messed up little person. The fact that my mom and dad survived me
during those years is a testiment to how strong they are. When I heard that my
father was dead I felt nothing at first. One of the people I blamed for most of
my pain and suffering was gone. Then it hit me that I would never know him.
I would never get to sit down and ask him all the questions I had. I felt robbed.
I felt abandoned all over again. Then I stared to cry. I cried for him and myself.
All the pain and heartache spilled over and I sat there while the tears streamed
down my face. I'd like to say that was when I forgave him, but it took me a few
more years to get to that point. Now I just wish I could have met him once.
I know where he is buried. I go by the cemetary a couple of times each month.
Part of me wants to stop and visit his grave but the other part is not ready for
that. Besides, he's not there. How can I ask a grave questions? Maybe one day
I will go and put a single rose at his tombstone. Just to say I forgive him and
to thank him for supplying his genes. I wouldn't be here without him. And he
did help make me who I am today, even if he was never there for me. But
in a way he was and still is. He is that elusive part of myself that I can't trace
back to any other person in my family. He is my father and a part of me.
call the man that raised me Dad. He is really my grandfather but he adopted me and my
brother when I was six. Dad worked hard to put a roof over my head and food in my
stomach. Dad drove me to school and the library. Dad is the man that loves me and
is always there for me. The word dad means love to me. The word father is more
formal and distant. So the man that has always taken care of me is Dad. The man
that split and left me when I was two is Father. The man my mother married after he
left is my stepfather but there are a lot of less than pleasent names I have called him
over the years. But this is about my father.
I don't remember my father. He left when I was two, shortly after my mother brought
my younger brother home from the hospital. I don't know what happened between
my mother and father. I just know he left and my stepfather moved right in. Then
came two years of torture that I have mostly blocked out of my mind. But it has
left its mark on me. But that is a story for another time. I used to blame my father
for the pain I endured. But I have forgiven him for leaving. It was what he felt he
had to do I guess. You can't go back and change the past. I used to wish I could.
But then I wouldn't be the person I am today. Maybe I'd be better but I could also
be worse. I'll stick with the me I know. It taught me to never depend on another
person for my happiness. It also made me realize that there are questions I'll never
know the answers to. Bad things will happen to you. But you decide if those things
will break you or make you stronger. Blaming someone else for your unhappiness
and hating them just weakens you. It chains you to the past and gives them power
over you. That was a hard lesson to learn but only by forgiving him, and others that
hurt me, was I able to move on. When I forgave him, I grew stronger and I was able
to really start living my life.
I know next to nothing about him. I have never seen a picture of him. My family does
not like talking about him. Out of respect for my mom and dad, I try not to ask too
many questions. It was a bad time in my family history and I don't want to open
old wounds. Sometimes you let things go so you don't hurt the ones you love.
But I wonder about him. There is a whole side of my family I know nothing about.
I like to think I got my blue eyes from him. Most of my family have brown eyes.
The only other people with blue eyes are my dad and his dad. I'm also the picky
eater in the family. Most of the family like the same things, I however do not like
gravy, sausage, okra, squash, greens and a lot of other things that the rest of my
family can't live without. Maybe my picky palete comes from him. My sense of
humour is very different from the rest of the family. But my younger brother's
sense of humour is similar to mine, so maybe that came from him. I have so
many questions I would love to ask him but I will never get that chance.
My father died when I was a teenager. I had a lot of hate in my heart for him back
then. I was search for who I was and how I fit in. I carried the belief that I had
driven him away. I thought if I had been a better child then he would have stayed.
I was one messed up little person. The fact that my mom and dad survived me
during those years is a testiment to how strong they are. When I heard that my
father was dead I felt nothing at first. One of the people I blamed for most of
my pain and suffering was gone. Then it hit me that I would never know him.
I would never get to sit down and ask him all the questions I had. I felt robbed.
I felt abandoned all over again. Then I stared to cry. I cried for him and myself.
All the pain and heartache spilled over and I sat there while the tears streamed
down my face. I'd like to say that was when I forgave him, but it took me a few
more years to get to that point. Now I just wish I could have met him once.
I know where he is buried. I go by the cemetary a couple of times each month.
Part of me wants to stop and visit his grave but the other part is not ready for
that. Besides, he's not there. How can I ask a grave questions? Maybe one day
I will go and put a single rose at his tombstone. Just to say I forgive him and
to thank him for supplying his genes. I wouldn't be here without him. And he
did help make me who I am today, even if he was never there for me. But
in a way he was and still is. He is that elusive part of myself that I can't trace
back to any other person in my family. He is my father and a part of me.
Life After Death
When someone you love dies, it is one of the hardest things in life to go through. Your
heart is broken and your soul feels heavy and numb. It is hard enough when they are
older and have lived a long happy life. But when they die while in the prime of their life
or when they are very young, its like your world is turned upside down. You feel cheated
and don't understand how a loving god could let this happen. We have this idea that
everyone should get to live a long life and pass away peacefully in their sleep. It is
nice when that happens but life is seldom fair. The only thing we can be sure of in this
life is that one day we will die.
I was 12 when my grandfather died. But I never really got to know him. Several strokes
and dementia robbed me of him. He was the silent figure that always stood in the corner
and seldom talked. He would ask the same joke over and over. He rarely called me by
my name, instead he called me by my mother's name. That hurt but didn't stop me from
loving him. He died one day before Thanksgiving. Its been over twenty years but
Thanksgiving is still a day shadowed by sadness. But I choose to remember him as
our family's silent protector. And every time I stare into the mirror, I see his eyes
staring back at me. Whenever I face hard times, I feel his strenght inside me. And
just like him, I am loyal and steadfast. I carry many of his traits. He lives on in me.
Four years ago, my grandmother died. She was 100 years old. That woman meant
so much to me. A part of me still can't believe that she is gone. She was tough and
no nonsense. She told you what she thought and didn't pull any punches. Going
and spending a week with her in summer was a magical time for me. She was the
heart of our family. Christmas dinner at her house was loud and full of food and
family. She could cook the best biscuits and nobody could top her fried chicken.
The first thing she asked when you walked in her door was if you were hungry.
Even if you weren't, she was going to feed you. Food was the way she said I love
you. She lived by herself for a long time, but when she was 98 we put her in a
nursing home. Her mind had started to wander and we were scared to leave her
alone. She refused to live with any of us so we did the only thing we could do.
Two days before she died she told my great aunt that she was going home soon.
My great aunt told her that she couldn't. My grandmother looked her in the eye and
just smiled. I like to think she knew it was time for her to go. I also think she is
up in heaven, watching over all of us. And every time I do or think something bad,
I can hear her voice calling me like when I was a child. And then I rethink what I
am doing. With her and my grandfather up there, I try not to do anything that
would disappoint them. I try to make them proud.
I have lost many friends way too soon. Each time I lost a part of my heart. Time
hasn't taken the pain away, but it has eased it some. I miss them all very much.
There is no way I can tell you how much I miss them and the effect they had on my
life. They helped to form me. They taught me and supported me. They picked me
up when I fell and cheered when I succeeded. Without them I would not be the person
I am today. I wish they were all still here. But I have hope that we will meet again.
So I go through life with my memories of them. And one day we will meet again.
I will see them and my heart will finally be whole.
heart is broken and your soul feels heavy and numb. It is hard enough when they are
older and have lived a long happy life. But when they die while in the prime of their life
or when they are very young, its like your world is turned upside down. You feel cheated
and don't understand how a loving god could let this happen. We have this idea that
everyone should get to live a long life and pass away peacefully in their sleep. It is
nice when that happens but life is seldom fair. The only thing we can be sure of in this
life is that one day we will die.
I was 12 when my grandfather died. But I never really got to know him. Several strokes
and dementia robbed me of him. He was the silent figure that always stood in the corner
and seldom talked. He would ask the same joke over and over. He rarely called me by
my name, instead he called me by my mother's name. That hurt but didn't stop me from
loving him. He died one day before Thanksgiving. Its been over twenty years but
Thanksgiving is still a day shadowed by sadness. But I choose to remember him as
our family's silent protector. And every time I stare into the mirror, I see his eyes
staring back at me. Whenever I face hard times, I feel his strenght inside me. And
just like him, I am loyal and steadfast. I carry many of his traits. He lives on in me.
Four years ago, my grandmother died. She was 100 years old. That woman meant
so much to me. A part of me still can't believe that she is gone. She was tough and
no nonsense. She told you what she thought and didn't pull any punches. Going
and spending a week with her in summer was a magical time for me. She was the
heart of our family. Christmas dinner at her house was loud and full of food and
family. She could cook the best biscuits and nobody could top her fried chicken.
The first thing she asked when you walked in her door was if you were hungry.
Even if you weren't, she was going to feed you. Food was the way she said I love
you. She lived by herself for a long time, but when she was 98 we put her in a
nursing home. Her mind had started to wander and we were scared to leave her
alone. She refused to live with any of us so we did the only thing we could do.
Two days before she died she told my great aunt that she was going home soon.
My great aunt told her that she couldn't. My grandmother looked her in the eye and
just smiled. I like to think she knew it was time for her to go. I also think she is
up in heaven, watching over all of us. And every time I do or think something bad,
I can hear her voice calling me like when I was a child. And then I rethink what I
am doing. With her and my grandfather up there, I try not to do anything that
would disappoint them. I try to make them proud.
I have lost many friends way too soon. Each time I lost a part of my heart. Time
hasn't taken the pain away, but it has eased it some. I miss them all very much.
There is no way I can tell you how much I miss them and the effect they had on my
life. They helped to form me. They taught me and supported me. They picked me
up when I fell and cheered when I succeeded. Without them I would not be the person
I am today. I wish they were all still here. But I have hope that we will meet again.
So I go through life with my memories of them. And one day we will meet again.
I will see them and my heart will finally be whole.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
To Save Avalon
The full moon shone through the window to lightly caress the small red-headed baby
that lay in the wooden cradle. Freckles danced across her face and her tiny nose crinkled
as she dreamed of far away places and times of legend. A tall sandy-haired man stared
down at the child as a woman with long straight ebony hair peered over his shoulder. A
look of longing passed over her face as she sighed. The man turned and folded her into
his arms. He placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head.
"I know this is hard for you, Marian, but it is hard for me also. I am her father after all.
A mother's love is strong, but so is a father's. This is the only way. Avalon will fall and we
will fade from this world if she fails. Do you want that?"
"Of course I don't want that, Robin," the woman cried. "Why now and why our
daughter? We have lived on Avalon for centuries without fear. All of mankind can't forget
us overnight, can they? I think Merlin is just over-reacting as usual. What can I baby do
to stop them from forgetting us?"
A great clap of thunder echoed in the room and an ancient man appeared from out
of nowhere. The air crackled with electricity as he lowered his wooden staff to his
side. His tall pointed hat's brim was cocked at a rakish angle and his powder blue robes
swirled around him.
"We have gone over this many times, Marian," he said in a powerful yet soothing
voice. "Your daughter was not the only child to be sent here. Arthur and Gwen's
daughter is here, as is Lance's son. My own son and daughter are with two different
families. The children of countless heroes have been placed here to fight the evil that
is to come. Morgan is gathering her forces and we must be prepared for her. Her
hatred is strong and it will take all of our power to stop her. We live on Avalon only
as long as we are remembered. If they forget us and stop believing in us, we will fade
away. And we can never come back, even if they remember the stories. That's all
they will be, stories to entertain each other with. We cannot let that happen."
"But how will they know what to do?" Marian asked. "They are all alone here.
There is nobody to teach them. Who will protect them? Morgan will surely uncover
their existence and send someone to kill them. Are we just sending them to their deaths?"
"You forget that this is not my first time fighting Morgan," Merlin replied with a
small smile. "I have learned not to underestimate her. Your child is surrounded by my
strongest spells and she has many powerful unseen guardians protecting her. I have not
sent your children to be slaughtered. They will be the bards of this generation. They will
tell the untold tales. The stories that have been forgotten."
"I share your fears, my love," Robin said. "I feel Merlin is right. Morgan is fighting
to erase us completely. If our children can fight her, we must trust Merlin to protect
them. He is wise and more powerful than we are. Let us return to Avalon."
"Can we return to see her?" Marian asked Merlin. "Just to ease my fears and see
how she fares?"
"When she is sleeping," Merlin replied. "I have other ways for you to see your
daughter. I have placed her with good people. She will grow up in a happy and safe
home. Do not fear, I promise to keep her safe. Not a hair on her head will be harmed."
Marian nodded and placed a kiss on her daughter's forehead. A glowing door
appeared in the middle of the room. She grasped Robin's hand and went through it
into Avalon. The door disappeared and Merlin gazed down at the infant in the cradle.
A soft smile came to his lips.
"Our hope lies with you, little one," he murmured. "I will do all I can to keep you safe
until the times comes for you to fight Morgan. Your life will be happy. I do vow that you
will be safe. No one will be allowed to harm you. Until next time, my dear one."
With a flash of light he was gone. The child opened her pale blue eyes. This life was
going to interesting to say the least. Her eyes closed and a smile darted across her lips as
she drifted to sleep. Her journey had begun.
that lay in the wooden cradle. Freckles danced across her face and her tiny nose crinkled
as she dreamed of far away places and times of legend. A tall sandy-haired man stared
down at the child as a woman with long straight ebony hair peered over his shoulder. A
look of longing passed over her face as she sighed. The man turned and folded her into
his arms. He placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head.
"I know this is hard for you, Marian, but it is hard for me also. I am her father after all.
A mother's love is strong, but so is a father's. This is the only way. Avalon will fall and we
will fade from this world if she fails. Do you want that?"
"Of course I don't want that, Robin," the woman cried. "Why now and why our
daughter? We have lived on Avalon for centuries without fear. All of mankind can't forget
us overnight, can they? I think Merlin is just over-reacting as usual. What can I baby do
to stop them from forgetting us?"
A great clap of thunder echoed in the room and an ancient man appeared from out
of nowhere. The air crackled with electricity as he lowered his wooden staff to his
side. His tall pointed hat's brim was cocked at a rakish angle and his powder blue robes
swirled around him.
"We have gone over this many times, Marian," he said in a powerful yet soothing
voice. "Your daughter was not the only child to be sent here. Arthur and Gwen's
daughter is here, as is Lance's son. My own son and daughter are with two different
families. The children of countless heroes have been placed here to fight the evil that
is to come. Morgan is gathering her forces and we must be prepared for her. Her
hatred is strong and it will take all of our power to stop her. We live on Avalon only
as long as we are remembered. If they forget us and stop believing in us, we will fade
away. And we can never come back, even if they remember the stories. That's all
they will be, stories to entertain each other with. We cannot let that happen."
"But how will they know what to do?" Marian asked. "They are all alone here.
There is nobody to teach them. Who will protect them? Morgan will surely uncover
their existence and send someone to kill them. Are we just sending them to their deaths?"
"You forget that this is not my first time fighting Morgan," Merlin replied with a
small smile. "I have learned not to underestimate her. Your child is surrounded by my
strongest spells and she has many powerful unseen guardians protecting her. I have not
sent your children to be slaughtered. They will be the bards of this generation. They will
tell the untold tales. The stories that have been forgotten."
"I share your fears, my love," Robin said. "I feel Merlin is right. Morgan is fighting
to erase us completely. If our children can fight her, we must trust Merlin to protect
them. He is wise and more powerful than we are. Let us return to Avalon."
"Can we return to see her?" Marian asked Merlin. "Just to ease my fears and see
how she fares?"
"When she is sleeping," Merlin replied. "I have other ways for you to see your
daughter. I have placed her with good people. She will grow up in a happy and safe
home. Do not fear, I promise to keep her safe. Not a hair on her head will be harmed."
Marian nodded and placed a kiss on her daughter's forehead. A glowing door
appeared in the middle of the room. She grasped Robin's hand and went through it
into Avalon. The door disappeared and Merlin gazed down at the infant in the cradle.
A soft smile came to his lips.
"Our hope lies with you, little one," he murmured. "I will do all I can to keep you safe
until the times comes for you to fight Morgan. Your life will be happy. I do vow that you
will be safe. No one will be allowed to harm you. Until next time, my dear one."
With a flash of light he was gone. The child opened her pale blue eyes. This life was
going to interesting to say the least. Her eyes closed and a smile darted across her lips as
she drifted to sleep. Her journey had begun.
My Refuge
Every person has a refuge,a place to relax and be at peace. For some, it is a mountain
cabin, secluded and far from the sounds of the maddening crowd. Others find refuge at
the beach, walking in the surf and listening to the waves crash on the shore.A lot of
people find refuge in their bathrooms, the doors locked against the interlopers,a warm
bath taking the tension and stress of everyday living away. Some find refuge in their
bedrooms, surrounded by music that drowns out the sounds of the world outside the
door. More people find refuge on a golf course, a football field,a basketball court, or
even a baseball diamond.
However and where-ever we find our refuge, we all have one. It is a place where we
can drop our defenses and be ourselves. It is a place of no judgement, where we are
happy and secure. This place is where we go to recharge and decompress, to soak up
happiness. Our refuge can change as the world around us changes. We have many
refuges as we grow older. At times, we can have more than one refuge. This is about my
childhood refuge, a place that does not exist anymore, except in my memory. This is my
love letter to my home away from home.
I first went to Elbert Ivy Memorial Library when I was six years old. I first learned to
read when I was four. My mother loved to read and she passed that gift on to me. Each
book was a present to be opened with reverence and anticipation. Once the cover was
opened, I devoured the words, eager to escape into a world that was different from mine.
I quickly read every children's book in the house and started on the adult books. When I
started reading my aunt's psychology text books, my mom decided it was time to get me
a library card.
Walking up the stone walkway, I was more excited than I had ever been in my short life.
Passing through the glass doors was like going down the rabbit hole into Wonderland. I
almost fell going down the steps to the children's part of the library because I was so
eager to discover new worlds and new friends. Going through the doorway, I felt a jolt
of happiness as my eyes saw thousands of books. I stood in awe before dozens of
book-shelves that stretched from the ceiling to the floor, full of books. Chairs and tables
were scattered around the room. Kids sat there reading and in the middle of the room, a
woman was reading a story to the group of sitting in a circle around her.
My mother led me to a desk where another woman sat smiling. She handed my mom a
form to fill out and for me to sign to get my library card. I signed and waited as she typed
my name on a card. My hand trembled as I took the card from her. This little card was
the key to worlds I had never seen and characters that would become dear friends. I
visited three girls in a little house on a prairie and a girl from a sunnybrook farm. I found
a kindred spirit in a fiery redhead whose imagination got her into more scrapes than I did.
I went through a wardrobe into a land of talking animals. I went on quests with knights
that sat around a round table. The library was my personal time machine, taking me into
the past and the future. The library was my refuge, where I could escape my normal life
and find peace.
As much as I loved the children's part of the library, I knew that new worlds were waiting
for me upstairs in the adult section of the library. You had to be 15 unless your parents
signed a piece of paper saying you could check out books from upstairs. I begged and
pleaded with my mom for months before she broke down and signed the paper. I was 13
and a new world was waiting for me to walk through the gateway.
I walked with vampires and ghosts, learned the legends of ancient people and read the
life stories of great people. Cars came to life, clowns were terrifying and dogs went on
rampages. I visited countries I was unable to buy plane tickets for. The past came alive
for me as I devoured tales of battles fought and new lands were discovered. Discoveries
were made and lost when the world went through an age of darkness. My life didn't seem
so bad when I read about a plague that wiped out whole families. No matter what I went
through, at least my family wasn't being hunted for our religion and being forced to hide
in an attic. I found strength, peace and refuge at the library. I went to the library at least
once a week and sometimes more. Hours flew by as I escaped into a book. Words held
magic and I was happiest at the library.
Shortly after I graduated, they built a bigger library and Elbert Ivy closed its doors. My
heart aches when I drive by the building where I spent so many happy hours. Now that
I can buy my books, I don't go to the library as much as I used to do. The new library
just isn't the same. It is a lot bigger and not as comforting to me. My allegiance is to my
old refuge but I know many people have found their refuge at the new library.
We all need a refuge in this crazy world. A place to escape to is important to our well-
being. I hope you all have a refuge and if you don't, find one. Look for a place that
makes you happy and claim it as yours. You'll be glad you did.
cabin, secluded and far from the sounds of the maddening crowd. Others find refuge at
the beach, walking in the surf and listening to the waves crash on the shore.A lot of
people find refuge in their bathrooms, the doors locked against the interlopers,a warm
bath taking the tension and stress of everyday living away. Some find refuge in their
bedrooms, surrounded by music that drowns out the sounds of the world outside the
door. More people find refuge on a golf course, a football field,a basketball court, or
even a baseball diamond.
However and where-ever we find our refuge, we all have one. It is a place where we
can drop our defenses and be ourselves. It is a place of no judgement, where we are
happy and secure. This place is where we go to recharge and decompress, to soak up
happiness. Our refuge can change as the world around us changes. We have many
refuges as we grow older. At times, we can have more than one refuge. This is about my
childhood refuge, a place that does not exist anymore, except in my memory. This is my
love letter to my home away from home.
I first went to Elbert Ivy Memorial Library when I was six years old. I first learned to
read when I was four. My mother loved to read and she passed that gift on to me. Each
book was a present to be opened with reverence and anticipation. Once the cover was
opened, I devoured the words, eager to escape into a world that was different from mine.
I quickly read every children's book in the house and started on the adult books. When I
started reading my aunt's psychology text books, my mom decided it was time to get me
a library card.
Walking up the stone walkway, I was more excited than I had ever been in my short life.
Passing through the glass doors was like going down the rabbit hole into Wonderland. I
almost fell going down the steps to the children's part of the library because I was so
eager to discover new worlds and new friends. Going through the doorway, I felt a jolt
of happiness as my eyes saw thousands of books. I stood in awe before dozens of
book-shelves that stretched from the ceiling to the floor, full of books. Chairs and tables
were scattered around the room. Kids sat there reading and in the middle of the room, a
woman was reading a story to the group of sitting in a circle around her.
My mother led me to a desk where another woman sat smiling. She handed my mom a
form to fill out and for me to sign to get my library card. I signed and waited as she typed
my name on a card. My hand trembled as I took the card from her. This little card was
the key to worlds I had never seen and characters that would become dear friends. I
visited three girls in a little house on a prairie and a girl from a sunnybrook farm. I found
a kindred spirit in a fiery redhead whose imagination got her into more scrapes than I did.
I went through a wardrobe into a land of talking animals. I went on quests with knights
that sat around a round table. The library was my personal time machine, taking me into
the past and the future. The library was my refuge, where I could escape my normal life
and find peace.
As much as I loved the children's part of the library, I knew that new worlds were waiting
for me upstairs in the adult section of the library. You had to be 15 unless your parents
signed a piece of paper saying you could check out books from upstairs. I begged and
pleaded with my mom for months before she broke down and signed the paper. I was 13
and a new world was waiting for me to walk through the gateway.
I walked with vampires and ghosts, learned the legends of ancient people and read the
life stories of great people. Cars came to life, clowns were terrifying and dogs went on
rampages. I visited countries I was unable to buy plane tickets for. The past came alive
for me as I devoured tales of battles fought and new lands were discovered. Discoveries
were made and lost when the world went through an age of darkness. My life didn't seem
so bad when I read about a plague that wiped out whole families. No matter what I went
through, at least my family wasn't being hunted for our religion and being forced to hide
in an attic. I found strength, peace and refuge at the library. I went to the library at least
once a week and sometimes more. Hours flew by as I escaped into a book. Words held
magic and I was happiest at the library.
Shortly after I graduated, they built a bigger library and Elbert Ivy closed its doors. My
heart aches when I drive by the building where I spent so many happy hours. Now that
I can buy my books, I don't go to the library as much as I used to do. The new library
just isn't the same. It is a lot bigger and not as comforting to me. My allegiance is to my
old refuge but I know many people have found their refuge at the new library.
We all need a refuge in this crazy world. A place to escape to is important to our well-
being. I hope you all have a refuge and if you don't, find one. Look for a place that
makes you happy and claim it as yours. You'll be glad you did.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Life and Hope
What do you say to a friend that is scared she is going to lose her mother and then she
finds out her cousin has just died? What do you say to a friend that lost her job and is
having to sell her possessions just to pay the bills? What do you say to the parent that has
just lost their child? What do you say to a child when her mother chooses the man that
beats her over her own flesh and blood? What do you say to a person when their body
is turning against them? What do you say to yourself when you see so much senseless pain
in the world? What do you say when evil is rewarded and goodness punished?
My heart is aching tonight. My friends are in pain and I don't know what to say to them.
I want to take all their pain away and fix everything that is wrong in their lives. But I
can't. I can't even fix my life and, to tell the truth, it is pretty messed up right now. I
want to take each of them in my arms and tell them that everything will be ok. That
we all go through hard times and some how we make it. But I don't know what is
going to happen. I don't have the power to see what tomorrow holds for them. I
wish I did because then I would know how to help them better. All I can do is be
there for them and help them face whatever is thrown their way.
I like to think everything happens for a reason. All the pain and sorrow we go through
has a purpose. But there are days when it gets to be too much. There are times when
I just want to yell, "Ok! That's enough! She can't take any more right now. Can you
hold back on the trials and let her have it easy for just a few moments? She's suffered
enough for right now. One more thing will break her. Just ease up, if you don't mind?"
It would be nice if we could call a timeout on suffering, but it just doesn't work like that.
It makes me mad to see good people suffer while some people just seem to breeze
through life. They get everything they want handed to them and they don't stop to
think about it. They don't spare a thought about who they hurt to get what they desire.
They don't suffer hardships and they don't help those that do suffer. The world is theirs
and they couldn't care less about the rest of humanity.
I don't honestly know why some suffer more than their share. I wish I did. But it is not
up to me to know why. One day maybe I will know, but for now I must muddle through
the best way I can. And I am going to help those around me as much as I can. I will not
let them give in. It would be so easy just to give in to despair. Why fight when you are
just going to get knocked down again? Why try if you are just going to fail?
I refuse to give up hope. It is what makes life worth living. I hold on to hope and reach
out to help my friends. I can't explain the pain. All I can do is help them face it. I will be
there to listen to them. I will pick them up when they fall. I will be there when they need
me. I have hope that I will know what to do and what to say. Life is not for the weak.
Life is full of pain and tears. It is unfair and cruel. When it is, we must hold on to hope
and hold it out to those that need it. We all have to share hope. It is the only way we
make it through this life.
finds out her cousin has just died? What do you say to a friend that lost her job and is
having to sell her possessions just to pay the bills? What do you say to the parent that has
just lost their child? What do you say to a child when her mother chooses the man that
beats her over her own flesh and blood? What do you say to a person when their body
is turning against them? What do you say to yourself when you see so much senseless pain
in the world? What do you say when evil is rewarded and goodness punished?
My heart is aching tonight. My friends are in pain and I don't know what to say to them.
I want to take all their pain away and fix everything that is wrong in their lives. But I
can't. I can't even fix my life and, to tell the truth, it is pretty messed up right now. I
want to take each of them in my arms and tell them that everything will be ok. That
we all go through hard times and some how we make it. But I don't know what is
going to happen. I don't have the power to see what tomorrow holds for them. I
wish I did because then I would know how to help them better. All I can do is be
there for them and help them face whatever is thrown their way.
I like to think everything happens for a reason. All the pain and sorrow we go through
has a purpose. But there are days when it gets to be too much. There are times when
I just want to yell, "Ok! That's enough! She can't take any more right now. Can you
hold back on the trials and let her have it easy for just a few moments? She's suffered
enough for right now. One more thing will break her. Just ease up, if you don't mind?"
It would be nice if we could call a timeout on suffering, but it just doesn't work like that.
It makes me mad to see good people suffer while some people just seem to breeze
through life. They get everything they want handed to them and they don't stop to
think about it. They don't spare a thought about who they hurt to get what they desire.
They don't suffer hardships and they don't help those that do suffer. The world is theirs
and they couldn't care less about the rest of humanity.
I don't honestly know why some suffer more than their share. I wish I did. But it is not
up to me to know why. One day maybe I will know, but for now I must muddle through
the best way I can. And I am going to help those around me as much as I can. I will not
let them give in. It would be so easy just to give in to despair. Why fight when you are
just going to get knocked down again? Why try if you are just going to fail?
I refuse to give up hope. It is what makes life worth living. I hold on to hope and reach
out to help my friends. I can't explain the pain. All I can do is help them face it. I will be
there to listen to them. I will pick them up when they fall. I will be there when they need
me. I have hope that I will know what to do and what to say. Life is not for the weak.
Life is full of pain and tears. It is unfair and cruel. When it is, we must hold on to hope
and hold it out to those that need it. We all have to share hope. It is the only way we
make it through this life.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Echoes From the Past
"Worthless! Waste of space! Stupid! Ugly!" Voices echo in my mind. I try to ignore
them but they just get louder. They pick at my soul, draining me of my confidence. I sink
back into my chair, too tired to fight. I close my eyes and when I open them my stepfather
stands before me. He smiles and my heart stops. I want to run as far away as I can. But
I know it is useless. He will find me as he always does. There is no safe refuge from him.
"You little bitch," he spits out. "Look at yourself. Lost your job, did you? I told you
that you'd never amount to anything. You have no skills and never will. Why don't you just
lay down and die? Just put an end to this pitiful excuse of a life. Stupid, ugly cow. You
will never learn. The only thing you're good at is being a punching bag."
Tears start to flow down my face. I turn so he can't see. How does he still have the
power to hurt me? It has been over twenty years since I last saw him. Yet here he is,
looming over me. I know he's not real, just a figment of my imagination. Why can I
not break free of him? Why does my mind conjure him up when I am at my lowest
points? The last thing I need right now is this asshole making me feel lower than dirt.
I need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I yearn for just
one person to let me know that it is ok to cry. That I don't always have to be the
strong one. But I can't let down the walls I have built around me.
I smile and laugh around my loved ones. I wear a mask to hide my fears and pain.
They have enough to worry about. They don't need my problems on top of theirs.
So I keep quiet and listen as they pour their hearts out to me. I enjoying helping
them as much as I can. Most of the time they just need to know someone cares.
I am good at listening and offering comfort. I have been since I was a child. My
role in life is listener and comforter. But why is it so hard to ask for the same thing
from others when I need it?
"Are you listening to me?" I turn my attention back to my stepfather. "You
worthless little brat. I should have killed you and your brother when I had the
chance. Saved everyone a lot of trouble. "
"Get out of my house!" My voice echoes in the tiny room. "Get out and never
come back, you sorry sack of shit! You have no power here. You have no power
over me. Leave me alone! Go back to whatever hell you crawled out of. I don't
care where you go as long as you just leave and don't come back! Go now!"
I close my eyes and when I open them, the room is empty. A shaky breath
escapes my body. Tears continue to run down my face. I cry, releasing all my
pent up emotions. Pain, anger, sorrow, fear and hopelessness flow out of me.
I sit there, rocking back and forth, giving vent to my sorrow and confusion.
When the tears stop, I wipe my eyes and pull myself together. Oddly, I feel
better. Holding all that in had been draining and tiring. I had to let it out and I
finally had. Hopefully, that would be the last visit from my stepfather. Maybe I
had finally broken that last chain binding me to my past. Tired and sleepy, I
went to bed. And for the first time in several weeks, my dreams were calm and
peaceful.
them but they just get louder. They pick at my soul, draining me of my confidence. I sink
back into my chair, too tired to fight. I close my eyes and when I open them my stepfather
stands before me. He smiles and my heart stops. I want to run as far away as I can. But
I know it is useless. He will find me as he always does. There is no safe refuge from him.
"You little bitch," he spits out. "Look at yourself. Lost your job, did you? I told you
that you'd never amount to anything. You have no skills and never will. Why don't you just
lay down and die? Just put an end to this pitiful excuse of a life. Stupid, ugly cow. You
will never learn. The only thing you're good at is being a punching bag."
Tears start to flow down my face. I turn so he can't see. How does he still have the
power to hurt me? It has been over twenty years since I last saw him. Yet here he is,
looming over me. I know he's not real, just a figment of my imagination. Why can I
not break free of him? Why does my mind conjure him up when I am at my lowest
points? The last thing I need right now is this asshole making me feel lower than dirt.
I need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I yearn for just
one person to let me know that it is ok to cry. That I don't always have to be the
strong one. But I can't let down the walls I have built around me.
I smile and laugh around my loved ones. I wear a mask to hide my fears and pain.
They have enough to worry about. They don't need my problems on top of theirs.
So I keep quiet and listen as they pour their hearts out to me. I enjoying helping
them as much as I can. Most of the time they just need to know someone cares.
I am good at listening and offering comfort. I have been since I was a child. My
role in life is listener and comforter. But why is it so hard to ask for the same thing
from others when I need it?
"Are you listening to me?" I turn my attention back to my stepfather. "You
worthless little brat. I should have killed you and your brother when I had the
chance. Saved everyone a lot of trouble. "
"Get out of my house!" My voice echoes in the tiny room. "Get out and never
come back, you sorry sack of shit! You have no power here. You have no power
over me. Leave me alone! Go back to whatever hell you crawled out of. I don't
care where you go as long as you just leave and don't come back! Go now!"
I close my eyes and when I open them, the room is empty. A shaky breath
escapes my body. Tears continue to run down my face. I cry, releasing all my
pent up emotions. Pain, anger, sorrow, fear and hopelessness flow out of me.
I sit there, rocking back and forth, giving vent to my sorrow and confusion.
When the tears stop, I wipe my eyes and pull myself together. Oddly, I feel
better. Holding all that in had been draining and tiring. I had to let it out and I
finally had. Hopefully, that would be the last visit from my stepfather. Maybe I
had finally broken that last chain binding me to my past. Tired and sleepy, I
went to bed. And for the first time in several weeks, my dreams were calm and
peaceful.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Night and Darkness
Ah, sweet night. The time when everyone is asleep and I am alone. No TV or radio, just
silence. A time when I can think back over the day. A time of peace and stillness. When
I close my eyes and just sit quietly. It is a time when memories come to visit, some good
and some bad. Hope and doubt do battle, fears and dreams take over my thoughts.
I try to stay positive but at night it is hard to stay out of the dark neighborhoods of my
mind. During the day I can stay upbeat, laughing and joking in the middle of my trials.
But at night, the dark part of my soul yearns to break free. It howls behind the walls I
have placed around it. I cannot deny it because it is a part of me. So for a brief time, I
stop struggling and let it free. How easy it would be to let it control me. I wouldn't have
to worry about being nice and playing well with others. I could just take what I want,
walking over anyone in my path. No more guarding my tongue because I don't wish to
hurt people. I would do what I wanted, when I wanted. What has being nice gotten me?
A whole lot of crushed dreams and nothing. Meanwhile, the rude and uncaring people
get everything they want and wish for. Maybe it's my turn for a change. I'm tired of
being walked on and used. It is time to break free and make my own rules.
I hear the rooster crow and suddenly hope returns. Light shines into the darkness and
goodness floods my soul. The beast within me is once more forced behind the walls.
The gate is slammed firmly behind it and locked securely. I have survived one more
night but who knows when the light will fail? Darkness will win and I will be lost forever.
silence. A time when I can think back over the day. A time of peace and stillness. When
I close my eyes and just sit quietly. It is a time when memories come to visit, some good
and some bad. Hope and doubt do battle, fears and dreams take over my thoughts.
I try to stay positive but at night it is hard to stay out of the dark neighborhoods of my
mind. During the day I can stay upbeat, laughing and joking in the middle of my trials.
But at night, the dark part of my soul yearns to break free. It howls behind the walls I
have placed around it. I cannot deny it because it is a part of me. So for a brief time, I
stop struggling and let it free. How easy it would be to let it control me. I wouldn't have
to worry about being nice and playing well with others. I could just take what I want,
walking over anyone in my path. No more guarding my tongue because I don't wish to
hurt people. I would do what I wanted, when I wanted. What has being nice gotten me?
A whole lot of crushed dreams and nothing. Meanwhile, the rude and uncaring people
get everything they want and wish for. Maybe it's my turn for a change. I'm tired of
being walked on and used. It is time to break free and make my own rules.
I hear the rooster crow and suddenly hope returns. Light shines into the darkness and
goodness floods my soul. The beast within me is once more forced behind the walls.
The gate is slammed firmly behind it and locked securely. I have survived one more
night but who knows when the light will fail? Darkness will win and I will be lost forever.
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