Masks and Walls

      Warning: This  is not one of my happy stories. Proceed with caution. Dark and
depressing.


       I hold my mask before my true face, never letting others see me. My walls are tall and
strong, built to withstand the hardest assault. Life has taught me to be wary and always on
guard. If I let the mask slip or let someone past the walls, they will hurt me. Trust no one
and never show a weakness. They will use your weaknesses against you to cause you pain.
Hide the hurt, hide your true self far away. Be charming, sweet, funny, cute. Be what they
want you to be, not who you are. Be everything for everyone, pay no mind to your own
feelings and wants. Depend on no one for anything. You take care of you, never ask anyone
for anything. Never expect good things to happen to you. Then you won't be disappointed.

     Sound jaded to you? Sound bitter or cold? Maybe so. But this life has shown me no
kindness, only heartbreak and misery. Life is seldom fair and only to others. Never to me.
Only for the briefest moments have I known happiness or joy. Then life jerks them away
to laugh at my pain and sorrow. I have known love briefly, only to have my heart ripped
out of my chest and shattered into pieces each time. Even my own parents didn't want me.
A life of being shuttled between family members has left many scars, some inflicted by
others and some by myself. Whenever someone starts to get close, I stare at them. They
are my reminders, my visible memories. And they lead to the scars no one can see, hidden
deep in my heart and soul. My heart and soul are tattered and torn. The darkness in me
leaks out of the holes. I have tried too many times to fix myself and rid myself of the dark
hiding in me. I am tired of trying. There is only so much pain a person can take and I reached
that long ago. I have stopped fighting and built my walls and choose my mask. I sealed my
true self deep within, only to be released when I am alone. Not even those that think they
love me have seen my true self. No one could ever love the monster I have become. My
heart is cold and my soul full of darkness.

     The only clue to my true self are my eyes in my unguarded moments. Haunted, cold,
sorrowful in the moments I forget to put kindness in them. They betray me but I have
become a master at explaining what others see in their depths. That's why you will see
very few pictures of me. The camera sees and captures my eyes. Snapshots that are clues
to the real me. I want as few of them as possible. I can't remember the last time I took a
picture. It must be at least a year ago. And that is fine with me. I have no wish to leave my
mark on this world. When I leave this tragic world, let me go without leaving a lasting mark.

     Does this shock you? Sadden you? Make you feel pity or anger? Don't waste your tears
or emotions on me. I am not worthy of your thoughts are love. I am hollow and empty inside.
I am a shell, a ghost, a sham. I paste a smile on my face every day. I act my part very well.
You walk by me and never know I am a fraud. My smile and words hide so much. I say the
right things and act as other think I should, drifting through life. If anyone tries to see under the
mask or break through the walls, I run or push them away. I shut down and wait for them to
go away. And they do leave. Too much trouble and pain to love me. The cost to them is too
great, causing them to walk away. I am left alone in a sea of people that think they know me.
I am left with the pain I have become used to, the pain I am addicted to. The pain I am used to.
The pain I know how to live with. It is my constant companion, my only friend.

     So walk on by and leave me here. Don't try to help or save me. It cannot be done. I am
unfixable. I am fine with it. Go away and leave me. Help someone that can be saved. I am
a lost cause. Don't fight a battle you can't win. I shall play my part and wear my mask. Leave
me to act my role in life. I am very good at it. Go and leave me to the shadows and darkness.