Echoes From the Past

     "Worthless! Waste of space! Stupid! Ugly!"  Voices echo in my mind. I try to ignore
them but they just get louder. They pick at my soul, draining me of my confidence. I sink
back into my chair, too tired to fight. I close my eyes and when I open them my stepfather
stands before me. He smiles and my heart stops. I want to run as far away as I can. But
I know it is useless. He will find me as he always does. There is no safe refuge from him.

      "You little bitch," he spits out. "Look at yourself. Lost your job, did you? I told you
that you'd never amount to anything. You have no skills and never will. Why don't you just
lay down and die? Just put an end to this pitiful excuse of a life. Stupid, ugly cow. You
will never learn. The only thing you're good at is being a punching bag."

     Tears start to flow down my face. I turn so he can't see. How does he still have the
power to hurt me? It has been over twenty years since I last saw him. Yet here he is,
looming over me. I know he's not real, just a figment of my imagination. Why can I
not break free of him? Why does my mind conjure him up when I am at my lowest
points? The last thing I need right now is this asshole making me feel lower than dirt.
I need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I yearn for just
one person to let me know that it is ok to cry. That I don't always have to be the
strong one. But I can't let down the walls I have built around me.

      I smile and laugh around my loved ones. I wear a mask to hide my fears and pain.
They have enough to worry about. They don't need my problems on top of theirs.
So I keep quiet and listen as they pour their hearts out to me. I enjoying helping
them as much as I can. Most of the time they just need to know someone cares.
I am good at listening and offering comfort. I have been since I was a child. My
role in life is listener and comforter. But why is it so hard to ask for the same thing
from others when I need it?

     "Are you listening to me?" I turn my attention back to my stepfather. "You
worthless little brat. I should have killed you and your brother when I had the
chance. Saved everyone a lot of trouble. "

     "Get out of my house!" My voice echoes in the tiny room. "Get out and never
come back, you sorry sack of shit! You have no power here. You have no power
over me. Leave me alone! Go back to whatever hell you crawled out of. I don't
care where you go as long as you just leave and don't come back! Go now!"

     I close my eyes and when I open them, the room is empty. A shaky breath
escapes my body. Tears continue to run down my face. I cry, releasing all my
pent up emotions. Pain, anger, sorrow, fear and hopelessness flow out of me.
I sit there, rocking back and forth, giving vent to my sorrow and confusion.

     When the tears stop, I wipe my eyes and pull myself together. Oddly, I feel
better. Holding all that in had been draining and tiring. I had to let it out and I
finally had. Hopefully, that would be the last visit from my stepfather. Maybe I
had finally broken that last chain binding me to my past. Tired and sleepy, I
went to bed. And for the first time in several weeks, my dreams were calm and
peaceful.