When someone you love dies, it is one of the hardest things in life to go through. Your
heart is broken and your soul feels heavy and numb. It is hard enough when they are
older and have lived a long happy life. But when they die while in the prime of their life
or when they are very young, its like your world is turned upside down. You feel cheated
and don't understand how a loving god could let this happen. We have this idea that
everyone should get to live a long life and pass away peacefully in their sleep. It is
nice when that happens but life is seldom fair. The only thing we can be sure of in this
life is that one day we will die.
I was 12 when my grandfather died. But I never really got to know him. Several strokes
and dementia robbed me of him. He was the silent figure that always stood in the corner
and seldom talked. He would ask the same joke over and over. He rarely called me by
my name, instead he called me by my mother's name. That hurt but didn't stop me from
loving him. He died one day before Thanksgiving. Its been over twenty years but
Thanksgiving is still a day shadowed by sadness. But I choose to remember him as
our family's silent protector. And every time I stare into the mirror, I see his eyes
staring back at me. Whenever I face hard times, I feel his strenght inside me. And
just like him, I am loyal and steadfast. I carry many of his traits. He lives on in me.
Four years ago, my grandmother died. She was 100 years old. That woman meant
so much to me. A part of me still can't believe that she is gone. She was tough and
no nonsense. She told you what she thought and didn't pull any punches. Going
and spending a week with her in summer was a magical time for me. She was the
heart of our family. Christmas dinner at her house was loud and full of food and
family. She could cook the best biscuits and nobody could top her fried chicken.
The first thing she asked when you walked in her door was if you were hungry.
Even if you weren't, she was going to feed you. Food was the way she said I love
you. She lived by herself for a long time, but when she was 98 we put her in a
nursing home. Her mind had started to wander and we were scared to leave her
alone. She refused to live with any of us so we did the only thing we could do.
Two days before she died she told my great aunt that she was going home soon.
My great aunt told her that she couldn't. My grandmother looked her in the eye and
just smiled. I like to think she knew it was time for her to go. I also think she is
up in heaven, watching over all of us. And every time I do or think something bad,
I can hear her voice calling me like when I was a child. And then I rethink what I
am doing. With her and my grandfather up there, I try not to do anything that
would disappoint them. I try to make them proud.
I have lost many friends way too soon. Each time I lost a part of my heart. Time
hasn't taken the pain away, but it has eased it some. I miss them all very much.
There is no way I can tell you how much I miss them and the effect they had on my
life. They helped to form me. They taught me and supported me. They picked me
up when I fell and cheered when I succeeded. Without them I would not be the person
I am today. I wish they were all still here. But I have hope that we will meet again.
So I go through life with my memories of them. And one day we will meet again.
I will see them and my heart will finally be whole.
This is wonderful. It's actually very comforting to me. Over the last 2 weeks, things have happened in my life that have been devastating. My mom diagnosed with Colon Cancer, then my cousin passing this week.
ReplyDeleteI've been very emotional over the last couple of weeks, but have been able to keep it together and I sit here today saddened by the passing of my cousin, but also hopeful for my mother. I have been looking at all the little things there are in life, that we over look and don't pay much attention to because we are all usually wrapped up in ourselves. I've also noticed things that have happened that I swear is the move of a higher something. Whether it be god, or a family member that has passed, someone is up there, moving things around. I've felt like a piece on a chess board, being moved to where I needed to be an certain days or times. People have been sent into my life that have helped me cope with what is happening. People I've met recently, strangers that I never expected to reply and this past Sunday, people from my past, a past that had been long forgotten because of the pain that ensued, but now I have a renewed friendship with.
Maybe I'm babbling right now but oh well. What I take from this is to be grateful for what you have and what you have had. People come and go, but love will always be there, we wouldn't be human if it didn't. And the pain, the pain is there to remind us to live. Ying and Yang. Good and Bad. You can't have one without the other.
Thank you. I was worried that people wouldn't understand this post. I've been watching a lot of my friends deal with loss or fear of losing someone they care about. My heart led me to write this. If it gave you comfort then I did what I set out to do. My prayers are with you and your mother.
ReplyDelete